


save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone.

by pyroallerdyce



Series: a dyad in the force (aka all my ben/rey fics) [189]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Prince Ben Solo, Therapist Finn (Star Wars), Therapy, this is not a fairytale
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:21:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27183764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyroallerdyce/pseuds/pyroallerdyce
Summary: Finn was exactly fifty-nine minutes into his first day on the job when Kaydel knocked at his office door and told him that he had his first patient.  “Already?”Kaydel gave him a sympathetic look, which only served to make Finn more nervous.  “I know that Lando said you’d have a few days to settle in, but this is a special case, and well, to be perfectly honest, he’s already made his way through every other therapist in town.  You are sort of the only one left.”Finn swallowed hard as he stood up, walking to the doorway and taking the chart from Kaydel’s hands.  “A nice and easy one to get me into the swing of things around here then?”“I really wish that this wasn’t happening on your first day,” Kaydel said apologetically.  “I thought that maybe we had another week or so.  But I suppose I’m not as good at predicting Prince Ben’s breakdowns as I thought I was.”or: Prince Ben is a little messed up, to put it mildly. He gets a brand new to the country Finn as a therapist, and through Finn and the unconventional therapy he's receiving, he meets Rey.  Maybe now he has a reason to not be so messed up.
Relationships: Finn & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Finn & Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: a dyad in the force (aka all my ben/rey fics) [189]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601755
Comments: 24
Kudos: 58
Collections: Ijustfellintothissendhelp





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I guess my writing challenge is working when it comes to breaking my writer's block, but the absolute last thing in the world that I need to do right now is to start writing something other than what I'm already in the process of, and months behind in, writing. Yet here we are!
> 
> A few things. 1) I am aware that this is not how therapy IRL works, I should know, I've been in it for nearly 20 years. 2) Ben in this is not a statement on how I feel all people with a mental illness are - I have a pretty debilitating one myself (schizoaffective disorder, look it up, it's oh so pleasant) and I don't consider some of the things that will be said in this to be true about me or anyone else, and they will be quickly debunked by someone else. 3) that mental illness and therapy experience of mine? that will probably influence a lot of what happens in this so I will not react well to anyone commenting that it's unrealistic. of course, certain aspects of it are not realistic, but certain parts of this are going to be as realistic as I can stand to make them without making me worse. 
> 
> ahem, sorry, just needed to establish all of that before we move on.
> 
> this might take a while to write. I'll try to update once a week but not sure if I can hold to that or not given this writer's block.
> 
> title from the lyrics of the excellent Aimee Mann song 'save me.'
> 
> and as always, if you like what you read and you want to see more, please let me know via a comment or kudos or bookmark so that I know I'm not writing into a void.

**.begin**

Finn was exactly fifty-nine minutes into his first day on the job when Kaydel knocked at his office door and told him that he had his first patient. “Already?”

Kaydel gave him a sympathetic look, which only served to make Finn more nervous. “I know that Lando said you’d have a few days to settle in, but this is a special case, and well, to be perfectly honest, he’s already made his way through every other therapist in town. You are sort of the only one left.”

Finn swallowed hard as he stood up, walking to the doorway and taking the chart from Kaydel’s hands. “A nice and easy one to get me into the swing of things around here then?”

“I really wish that this wasn’t happening on your first day,” Kaydel said apologetically. “I thought that maybe we had another week or so. But I suppose I’m not as good at predicting Prince Ben’s breakdowns as I thought I was.”

Finn frowned and opened up the chart, scanning through the basic information. “Wait a minute. Prince Ben?”

“Yes. Ben is King Anakin’s grandson,” Kaydel said, stepping out into the hallway. “His only grandchild. He’s never dealt well with the pressure of being a Skywalker.”

Finn glanced up from the chart and gave Kaydel a pleading look. “Um, a brief history of the Skywalkers, please?”

“You should go to the library, talk to Beaumont,” she said, heading towards the elevators. “He can give you a way better history than I can. But basically, the Skywalkers are the ones that founded this country, built it into what it is today. Ben is very much expected to follow in his uncle’s footsteps when the time comes, but I think the country is losing faith in his ability to do so.”

Finn thumbed through the pages in the chart, trying to figure out how he was going to read through the hundreds of pages, and he was certain the number was in the hundreds, before he had his first session with Ben. “Suicidal?”

“Some say yes, some say no. He attempts it but there’s always a lot of discussion about whether he’s doing it because he really wants to die or if he’s doing it to get some of his father’s attention.”

“So he’s up on the unit?”

“Been there since they rushed him in at three o’clock this morning,” Kaydel said, approaching the elevator and pushing the up button.

“I haven’t even been up there yet,” Finn said, leaning back against the wall and nodding at a passing nurse. “I haven’t even unpacked all of my books yet.”

Kaydel smiled at him as the elevator dinged, standing back to let the people inside filter out once the doors opened. “I think you’ll have plenty of time for that this afternoon. Lando has already changed the schedule around to have someone cover for your group session at two. You’ll probably only be on Ben duty for a while. At least until Ben fires you like he has everyone else that’s tried to help him.”

“Fires me?” Finn laughed as they walked into the elevator. “Don’t tell me he’s one of those types who thinks doctors are nothing more than servants.”

Kaydel pressed the button for the fifth floor and laughed. “Oh yes, he is. And he goes through therapists like mad. Rumor has it that he got rid of the last one because he didn’t like the guy’s tie.”

Finn slumped into the corner of the elevator and sighed heavily. “Great. Sounds like this is going to be fun.”

Kaydel flashed him a friendly smile. “Oh, you never know. You might be exactly what Ben needs.”

“Yeah, right,” Finn said, tucking the chart underneath his arm. “I’m not that lucky. I bet he fires me within five minutes.”

**.first**

“Your Royal Highness?”

Ben looked up and blinked as a man he didn’t recognize walked into the room. “Who the fuck are you?”

The man smiled as he sat down in the bedside chair. “Finn.”

“Finn? Alright,” Ben said, reaching up to shift his pillow around. “So _Finn_ , who the fuck are you, exactly? I’m quite certain my grandfather has given specific orders for me to have no visitors.”

“I work here.” Finn flipped open the chart and scanned through the sheet of vitals that the nurse had given him. “I’m your new therapist.”

Ben groaned and turned his head away from him. “Great. I knew they were going to send one of you in here again. Get your fucking speech over already.”

“Speech?” Finn inquired.

Ben rolled his eyes. “I know your type, Finn. You therapists start off with some long ass speech about how fucking much you’re going to help me, and then you’ll start asking about being a Skywalker and the drugs and the girls, and then once I refuse to talk to you about any of that, you’ll try to ask me about my mother. And that’s when I’ll fire you. So, just get started already.”

“Well,” Finn started. “I can only help you if you let me, which it sounds like you don’t plan on doing, so there’s really no need for me to talk to you about that, is there? And, I’m not from here, so I know nothing about you, your family, or your reputation here in Tatooine, so I can’t really question you about those unless you want to tell me something yourself. I was thinking that maybe we’d just start with a simple conversation about how you feel being stuck in this damn hospital room. I know that I hate it whenever I’ve got to spend more than an hour in one.”

Ben turned his head back towards Finn, giving him an incredulous look. “You don’t want to talk about any of that?”

“Not unless you want to,” Finn said, closing the chart and shrugging.

Ben laughed. “No pledge to save me?”

“I cannot save you, Ben,” Finn said, looking straight at him. “Only you can do that. I am only here to provide assistance should you want it.”

Ben laughed again. “You are going to be the worst therapist I’ve ever had! It’s your fucking job to ask me about all that bullshit!”

“I think it’s a little early to make that sort of declaration, don’t you think?” Finn said. “I prefer to work at your pace. When you feel like talking about something, we’ll talk about something. It doesn’t do you any good if I try to force it out of you.”

“So we can just sit here then?” Ben asked slowly.

Finn nodded. “If that’s what you want. I’d prefer to have some sort of conversation but it doesn’t necessarily have to be about you. Only when you want it to.”

“This is the most ridiculous form of therapy I’ve ever heard of,” Ben exclaimed, laughing. “There’s no possible way that this works.”

“You never know unless you give it a chance,” Finn pointed out, leaning back in his chair. “How about a deal? You give me a week’s worth of sessions, so five days, one every day. If you don’t want to continue beyond that, then that’s your choice and I’ll accept it. But I think you’d be doing yourself a disservice if you didn’t even give it a try.”

Ben rolled his eyes and nodded. “A week. But only because my grandfather would go absolutely ballistic if I fired you on the spot. I suppose I can sacrifice a week of my life to keep that from happening.”

“Good,” Finn said, smiling. “Then we’ll start tomorrow.”

“Why can’t we start now?” Ben asked.

“Oh, they have a whole day planned for you up here on the unit,” Finn said. “I believe it starts with Lando’s group in about ten minutes.”

“Can’t you get me out of it?”

Finn shook his head. “Not until they discharge you, which won’t be until at least this afternoon. Dr. Snoke has to speak with you first.”

“Oh fuck, the dark lord,” Ben murmured. “I forgot about the dark lord.”

“The dark lord?” Finn bit back a laugh. “Come on, Dr. Snoke isn’t that bad.”

Ben groaned. “Yes, he is.”

**.apartment**

Finn walked into his apartment, dropped his stuff onto the table, and went and collapsed on the sofa. He closed his eyes and took fifteen deep breaths as he tried to center himself back into his present reality instead of being lost in the chart he’d just been reading.

Ben’s chart.

To say it was complicated was a mess. They’d treated him for everything imaginable but done nothing to establish a true diagnosis of what his mental illness was, so they were likely treating him for things that had nothing to do with what he needed to be treated for. He was almost one hundred percent positive that Ben had never told anyone the truth of what he was actually experiencing and that his withholding of that information played into the misdiagnoses and the ineffective treatments. 

Finn broke himself of those thoughts when the apartment door opened, and he turned to see Rey walk in. “Hey. How did it go?”

“Terribly,” she said as she set her stuff down. “The head of the entire company was not happy that the position hadn’t been filled yet, the man who would be my boss told him that it had, I just needed a couple of weeks to move here, and the first asshole told him to find someone who could start immediately. So my would-be boss filled the position with someone in town and never called to tell me not to come. So, therefore, when I went to get my security card and all of that, I was told that I didn’t have a job.”

Finn’s eyes widened. “What?”

“I know, right? Horrible people at Hux International. Never deal with them on anything.” Rey collapsed onto the sofa next to him. “So now I feel like I had you move here for absolutely nothing.”

“No, I moved here with you for a different opportunity and you are going to find yourself one as well,” Finn stated. “Don’t you dare think I’m going to let you go running back to Jakku now.”

“No, I’m not going to go back to Jakku,” Rey said. “I’m going to work in a coffee shop.”

Finn gave her a confused look. “What?”

“I went and sat in a coffee shop all day, and then I noticed that there was a sign in the window saying they were hiring, and I went and applied, and I now have a job in that coffee shop,” Rey said, smiling. “It’s a great place, Finn. You’re going to love it.”

“And working in a coffee shop is going to make you happy? Because I thought you went to school to make sure you didn’t have to work in a coffee shop.”

“It will make me happy for now and that’s all I’m thinking about at the moment,” Rey said. “How was your day?”

Finn groaned and leaned his head back against the sofa. “I’ve got a high profile case and it’s going to be a nightmare.”

“Who?” Rey asked, jumping up. “Oh, I brought dinner! It’s getting cold!”

Finn laughed and followed her as she went towards the table. “I’ll tell you all about it during dinner.”

“But not the details! I don’t want you to violate ethics laws!”

“Don’t worry, from what I’ve found out today, everything I have to say about Prince Ben is already public knowledge."

"Prince Ben? Are you serious?"

"Yes. As I said, this is going to be a nightmare.”


	2. Chapter 2

**.second**

“So, Finn,” Han began, glancing around the tiny office. “I will only be here for this first meeting because of my busy schedule. I will be greatly looking forward to your phone call after each session you have with Ben, however.”

Finn glanced between Ben and Han for a moment before resting his hands on his desk. “Phone call?”

“The daily phone call to keep me informed of Ben’s progress,” Han said firmly. “It is the only way that I will know what is going on because I cannot be here for every session.”

Finn drummed his fingers against the desk before shaking his head slightly. “I’m sorry, Your Grace, but I cannot discuss the details of my sessions with His Royal Highness unless he gives his consent.”

Han gave Finn a murderous look. “No therapist has ever needed Ben’s consent before.”

“Then they were violating quite a few laws about a patient’s right to privacy,” Finn stated. “If I am to make these phone calls then I will need His Royal Highness’s consent.”

“Of course Ben gives his consent!” Han exclaimed, looking over at his son. “Tell him that.”

Ben reached up and rubbed the back of his neck, trying not to make eye contact with his father. “Um, maybe it would be better if things were kept just between me and Finn.”

Han immediately stood up, reaching to gather his coat. “This is nonsense. We will find you a different therapist. One that will cooperate fully.”

“Your Grace,” Finn said quickly, “I cannot just violate ethics laws because you want me to. It is up to His Royal Highness to decide who I can discuss his sessions with. If he says yes, then I would have no problems with a daily phone call to your office. But it is up to him.”

“Then give him your consent,” Han ordered, staring at Ben with angry eyes. “Now.”

“Do you want me to get better or not?” Ben exclaimed, standing up and staring back at Han with equally angry eyes. “We have always done everything your way! And guess what? It’s never worked! Maybe this time I want to try it my way! At least see if maybe that will work! If not, then we’ll find someone else you can intimidate into doing what you want!”

Han clenched his fists around his coat. “You would do best to remember who you are speaking to.”

“I’m trying to speak to my father!” Ben yelled out. “Maybe it would do you best to remember that is who you are.”

Finn jumped when there was a quick knock on the office door, hurrying over to open it while wondering what on earth it was he’d gotten himself into. He nearly sighed with relief when he saw Lando standing on the other side, quickly ushering him in. “Lando.”

“Finn,” Lando said, glancing over at Han and Ben. “I heard raised voices so I thought that I would come to see if everything is alright.”

“Everything would be fine, Lando, except for the fact that he,” Han spit out, pointing at Finn, “is refusing to cooperate with the daily phone calls.”

Finn shook his head quickly. “No, I’m not. All I said was that I needed His Royal Highness’s consent for them, and he hasn’t given that.”

“Yes, well, isn’t it obvious that the boy cannot make decisions for himself?” Han said, turning towards Lando. “Surely you can do something to correct this situation.”

“This boy is thirty-two-years-old,” Ben growled, but Han ignored him.

Lando smiled at his old friend. “Han, perhaps this is the right time to try something a little different. Finn’s techniques proved very effective in Jakku. It’s one of the reasons we hired him immediately once we went through his application. If Ben wants to give them a chance, then I think that might be the best course of action.”

Han’s eyes flicked between Ben and Finn for a moment before pulling his coat on and stalking towards the door. “I see how it is. Fine. Shut me out. Act as if I don’t care what is happening with my only child.”

“Han,” Lando said, reaching out to put a hand on his arm as he reached the door. “By doing this, you are showing how much you do care for Ben and his well-being.”

Han stared at the hand for a moment before shaking Lando’s touch off. “I will be at the palace, Ben. I expect you to come there as soon as you’re done here.”

**.palace**

Ben ignored the knocking at his door, laying on the floor in the main room of his chambers and reveling in the haze that surrounded him. He didn’t know what he’d just taken and he didn’t care. All he wanted to do was forget about the conversation he’d had with his father once he’d returned from his session with Finn.

Fuck, he’d rather think about the session with Finn than that conversation.

But sometimes while he was high, he daydreamed of how his life could be if the incident with his mother hadn’t happened. If she was there, then Han might remember that he was a father and not be so lost in grief that any reminder of Leia, even his own son, would anger him. He hadn’t just lost his mother that night, he’d lost his father too, and he missed them both more than anything.

He forced his thoughts somewhere other than his parents, and he was just about to start thinking about the girl he’d arranged to see that night when the door opened. “Fuck off.”

“Is that any way to speak to your grandmother, Benjamin?”

Ben immediately sat up, ignoring how dizzy it made him as he turned to see her standing there. “My apologies, Your Majesty. I did not know it was you.”

Padmé took one look at Ben’s glazed eyes and sighed. “Because you’re high. You just got out of the unit yesterday, Ben.”

“I need this,” Ben said, laying back down and closing his eyes. “I don’t expect you to understand.”

“Well, good because I don’t,” Padmé said, sitting down in one of the chairs next to where Ben was laying. “I came to see how the session went. Talking to your father about it proved unsuccessful.”

“Which means you heard us screaming at each other and then he wouldn’t tell you why.”

“Yes, it means that,” Padmé said, smiling when Ben looked over at her. “All I heard about was those damned phone calls he makes your therapists give him. This new one refused to do so, hm?”

“No, the new therapist has a fucking backbone,” Ben said, before sighing. “My apologies for speaking that way.”

“It’s alright, dear. Tell me about this therapist with a backbone then.”

“He’s not willing to violate laws to keep Dad happy,” Ben said after a moment. “He’s not from here either. He’s just moved from Jakku. So he knows absolutely nothing about us or what happened, which means it’s not going to be the first thing I’m questioned about, which is nice. It was actually a conversation today. It might have been about what Mos Eisley is like, but it was an actual conversation. I haven’t had many of those lately.”

“That’s good,” Padmé said, smiling at him. “Are you going to give him more than a week?”

“I don’t know yet,” Ben said honestly. “You know I hate all of this shit.”

“Yes, I do, but I also know that it’s going to help you,” Padmé said, deciding to risk it. “Leia would want you to get better, you know.”

Ben felt anger burn through him, but he took a couple of deep breaths to control it. “The only reason I am not reacting to that statement is that it is you,” he said once he felt he had control. “If it was any of the others, then I would be storming out of here right now.”

“She’s not coming back, Ben,” Padmé said, her heart panging with sadness. “But I still know she would want you to get better.”

“Stop. Please stop.” Ben laid back on the floor and closed his eyes. “I would like you to please leave.”

Padmé sat there for a moment before standing. “I am glad to know that you had a good session. I hope that the one tomorrow is just as good if not better. And whatever you do tonight that I will disapprove of, please try to keep it out of the newspapers this time.”

Ben didn’t say anything so Padmé left the room, and once she was gone, Ben let the tears start to slip out of his eyes. 

His mother was coming home. He refused to believe otherwise.

**.third**

“So, who is Qi’ra?" Finn asked.

Ben rolled his eyes and slumped down in his seat. "The most annoying woman the world has ever seen. How do you know about her?"

"I was reading through your chart last night," Finn said, flipping through a few of the pages. "She comes up a lot." 

Ben sighed. "You read the part about the incident six months ago, didn't you?"

"Recent history is usually the best place to start," Finn murmured. "Why did you try to hit her?"

Ben kicked out, sending the empty chair in front of him crashing into Finn's desk. "You know, I still can't motherfucking believe that everyone claims I tried to hit her. That is so far from the fucking truth that it's insane. And she fucking talks about it like it's funny now. 'Remember that time you tried to hit me? Hahaha.' Yeah, I fucking remember it because they locked me in a room upstairs for a goddamn month. Real funny. Fuck her." 

"Alright. So if you didn't try to hit her, why does everyone think that you did?" 

"Because that's what the stupid bitch claims," Ben said, giving Finn a look. "Couldn't you figure that out?"

Finn ran his hands through his hair. "What I meant was what happened to make her think that you were trying to hit her? Obviously, there was some sort of physical altercation, but nothing in the notes from that time ever tells your side of the story." 

"Probably because no one has ever believed it," Ben mumbled before sitting up and pulling the empty chair back towards him, propping his feet up in it. "I don't want to talk about this anymore." 

Finn sighed in frustration and tossed his pen onto the desk. "So what do you want to talk about then?"

"What's your opinion of sword fighting?"

Finn gave Ben a confused look. "Sword fighting?"

"Yes, sword fighting," Ben said, glancing up at the ceiling. "I have always loved it. Sword fighting scenes in movies? My absolute favorites. I've always wanted to learn how to do it." 

Finn picked the pen back up and quickly made a note of the new information. "I can't say that I've ever really spent that much time thinking about sword fighting, to be honest." 

"It's an art form. It really is," Ben said, smiling. "Knowing when to parry and when to strike. The footwork involved to keep your balance. There's just something about it that's always been fascinating to me." 

"Have you ever thought about learning?" Finn asked. "I'm sure there are places that teach that sort of thing." 

Ben dropped his gaze to where his hands were resting in his lap, twisting his fingers together nervously. "My father would never allow me to do that."

"Your father does realize that you are an adult who can make his own decisions, right?" 

Ben laughed. "Yeah, right. He doesn't think I'm capable of making decisions about anything. And he'd absolutely freak if I started talking about swords. He'd probably haul me back upstairs and claim that I was planning to kill him." 

"Your Royal Highness, have you ever told anyone your side of the story when it comes to the Qi'ra incident?" 

Ben glared at him. "What does that have to do with what we're talking about?" 

"It seems to me that the people around you think you have violent tendencies. Qi'ra claimed you tried to hit her, you just said that if you mentioned a sword in front of your father that he'd claim that you were planning to kill him. I'm curious as to why, but you won't tell me that," Finn said, looking over at him. "So I'm wondering if you have ever attempted to change that perception." 

"Hard to change a perception when no one believes a word you say," Ben said, glancing up at the clock. "That's an hour. I'm out of here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why is han like this? what's up with leia? you will find out eventually. but there are reasons.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is an unrealistic story that I'm trying to make parts of as realistic as I can without a breakdown. this is not your normal therapist-patient relationship. just a reminder.

**.store**

“Finn, what are we looking for?” Rey asked again as they walked up and down the aisle. “We have been through half of the store.”

“I don’t know where anything is in here yet, which is why we’ve walked through half the store,” Finn replied. “And I will know what I’m looking for when I see it.”

“You don’t even know what you’re looking for?” Rey said in disbelief. “Finn, it is three o’clock in the morning. You should have told me that before I agreed to come here with you.”

Finn stopped walking and turned to her. “I am looking for something for a therapeutic experiment, okay? And I will not know what the right thing for this experiment is until I see it. So no, I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for. If you don’t want to stay here, then go home. I’ll walk back to the apartment.”

Finn started walking again and after a few moments, Rey did too. “A therapeutic experiment?”

“I’m not getting through to him in any way that is going to address the things that need to be addressed. So I’m looking for something that I can use in an experiment of some sort that will get him to understand that I am on his side in all of this and that yes, therapy can be unbelievably tough to deal with, but that there are also moments that can be fun.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re the only person who has ever described therapy as fun,” Rey pointed out. “But you have a very different idea of what therapy is than most people.”

“I just go back to what helped me when I was a kid dealing with my asshole parents,” Finn said as they turned down another aisle. “Jannah would agree with that.”

“I’m not saying that your sister would disagree with that,” Rey pointed out. “I just am surprised that hospitals let you work this way.”

“If it didn’t help people, then they wouldn’t,” Finn said, looking around at the shelves. “But it can help people. And I can help him.”

“Well, I am fully supportive of you helping people however you can. I am not fully supportive of walking around a store at three o’clock in the morning when you don’t even know what you’re looking for,” Rey asked. “I mean, what are we even doing? We’re in the toy aisles, Finn.”

Finn spotted something at the end of the aisle and knew in an instant that it was perfect. “We’re looking for that.”

Rey looked towards where Finn pointed and shook her head. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Nope,” Finn said, walking towards them. “It’s perfect.”

“Fine, but you’re coming to the coffee shop after you get off work to explain this therapeutic experiment to me because I am beyond confused at the moment.”

“I can do that.”

**.fourth**

"We're going out to the courtyard today," Finn said, tossing Ben's chart onto his desk. "You can leave your stuff in here. We'll come to get it before you leave." 

Ben shook his head in disbelief but dropped his stuff down onto the chair. "And why are we going out to the courtyard?"

"I'm sick of being in this office, for one," Finn said, bending down and picking up the bag from the store. "And well, I don't think there's enough room in here for us to use these."

Ben watched as Finn pulled the contents of the bag out, bursting out into laughter. "What the fuck are those?"

"Foam swords," Finn said, a smile on his face. "Real ones are too expensive and too dangerous, and I thought that the plastic ones would probably hurt more than these ones would." 

"So we're going out to the courtyard," Ben started, pausing to laugh again, "to have a sword fight?"

Finn nodded. "I listened to you talk yesterday and I started wondering what it would be like for you to do something that you really wanted to do without worrying about what your father or anyone else would think about it. Just, doing something that you want because you want to." 

Ben followed Finn out of the office. "I do that already. It's called my life." 

"No, you do things that you know will upset your family," Finn said, pushing open a door and leading Ben down a hallway. "And I think over time you have tried to convince yourself that those things are what you really want. But you were a completely different person when you brought up the sword fighting yesterday, and that's the person I think we should try to focus on. Not the violent, drug-addicted asshole everyone in this town seems to think you are, but who you really are." 

Ben put his sunglasses on as they walked through a final door and out into the sunshine. "And what makes you so sure I don't want those things, hm? I happen to like my life the way it is, thank you very much."

"Of course you do," Finn said, holding out one of the toy swords for Ben to take. "That's why you keep trying to end it." 

"Shut up, Finn." Ben snagged the sword away and hit Finn over the head with it. "We're supposed to be having fun." 

Finn took his own sword and knocked Ben's away. "Hey now, fight fair." 

"There's no fun in fighting fairly," Ben said, jabbing Finn in the shoulder. "The one who fights fairly never wins. And I want to win."

**********

Lando looked up at the sound of Kaydel's laughter, noticing her looking out of the window near her desk. "Something amusing going on outside, Kaydel?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Lando," Kaydel said, turning her gaze towards him. "I know I shouldn't be laughing. I'm sure Finn has a perfectly good explanation for it. It's just rather amusing to watch." 

Lando frowned and pushed his chair back, standing up and walking over to the window, peering down at the courtyard. "What on earth are they doing?"

"I think they're," Kaydel laughed again, "having a sword fight." 

Lando shook his head and wandered back to his desk, glancing back at the window. "You should probably tell security we've got some sort of therapeutic experiment going on out there before some panicked nurse in emergency calls about a fight in the courtyard."

**********

Finn landed on his back and felt the breath rush out of his lungs, holding up his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay, you win."

Ben laughed and dropped down to the ground next to him, plucking the sword from Finn's hands triumphantly. "You were better than I thought you'd be," he said. "I thought you'd go down after just a couple of blows." 

"Thanks," Finn said, sucking in a deep breath. "I think." 

Ben looked down at him. "Can I make you a deal?"

"What kind of deal?" Finn asked, bringing his hand up to block the sunlight from his eyes.

"If I promise you another week," Ben began, pulling a few blades of grass up and twisting them around in his fingers. "If I do that, can we not have a session tomorrow or Friday?" 

Finn blinked and pushed himself up, glancing over at Ben. "So long as I get to impose a few rules on what you do this weekend." 

"Is this going to be the no sex, no drugs, no rock and roll discussion?" 

Finn laughed. "You really do think you've heard it all by now, don't you?"

"You are like the forty-sixth therapist I've had," Ben said, poking him with a sword again. "I know the drill." 

Finn shook his head. "No drugs. No booze. You can have all the sex you want so long as you do it safely as I think knocking some girl up would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to you right now. Listen to all the rock and roll you want. And you have to promise to call the number I give you the moment you start wanting to do any of that stuff." 

"Promise," Ben said, standing up. "And I know everyone thinks that I fuck the girls I hang out with, but I don’t." 

"Is that a rule or a lifestyle?" 

Ben glanced down at him. "You say some of the weirdest shit, I swear. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Finn stood up and brushed the grass from his jeans. "You don't fuck the girls. Is that by choice, a rule you've made for yourself so you don't end up in a situation you don't want to be in? Or is it part of who you really are? Is there a lack of attraction to women and perhaps attraction to men instead?" 

Ben stared at him for a moment. "No one has ever asked me that before."

"There's a first time for everything," Finn said, taking the toy swords from Ben's grasp and tucking them under his arm. "So what's the answer?"

"I don’t want to be in a situation like that," Ben said after a moment. "I also am not the kind of person to just use a woman like that. I hang out with these girls, we get high, and the second that they run to the papers about our torrid, drug-fueled affair, I drop them out of my life. Happens every single time." 

Finn studied him for a moment. "If it happens every time, then why do you do it?"

Ben's head whipped around. "What?"

"If it happens every time, then why do you do it?" Finn asked, checking his watch and then walking towards the door. "Come on, let's go get your stuff and you can have your weekend of freedom. I've got a meeting with Dr. Snoke in about five minutes, and I'm completely unprepared for it." 

Ben groaned. "Please tell me you aren't talking to the dark lord about me."

"He's not a dark lord," Finn said, pulling the door open. "And no, actually, we're not talking about you. Not today, anyway." 

"Good," Ben said, following him inside. "You might not be willing to call my father, but I'm pretty sure that the dark lord would." 

"Stop calling him a dark lord. And he's the head of the behavioral health department. I highly doubt he's going to do something that he could potentially lose his job over just because of your father."

"One of these days," Ben said, shaking his head, "you might just start to realize exactly how powerful my family is."

They walked back to the office and Ben snagged his coat while Finn wrote down a number. “Call this if you need to. It’s a hotline that will get you to one of the other therapists here. If you start wanting to drink or get high, call it and they will talk you through it.”

Ben took the outstretched piece of paper and shoved it into his pocket. He had turned to walk out the door when Finn called out to him. “Your Royal Highness?”

“Ben,” he said. “My name is Ben. Just call me that. My family isn’t going to know any different.”

“Alright, Ben. You never answered my question.”

Ben blinked. “What question?”

“If you know these girls are going to go lie to the papers about you, then why do you keep hanging out with them?”

Ben stood there for a few moments before putting his coat on. “Because I’m lonely and the only person I really want to be around isn’t here anymore. I’ll see you Monday.”

Finn watched him walk out of the room before sitting down and writing himself a few notes. Ben had finally given him something to work with. Ben was lonely and missing someone, and now Finn needed to find out who that person was. That person was crucial to why Ben was self-destructing the way that he was.

And he suspected that it might be his mother.

**.coffeeshop**

“So he gave you another week?” Rey asked as she set a cup on the table. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Neither was I, to be perfectly honest,” Finn said, looking up at her. “I’m more than a little concerned about this weekend, but I’m hoping that I don’t get a phone call.”

“A phone call?”

“I gave him the number to the hotline and told him to call it if he needed,” Finn said as he reached for his cup. “They’ll call me if he calls it.”

“Call you? As in you would talk to him that night? I thought that was for extreme cases. That’s what you told me your boss said.”

“It is, but I talked to Lando about it afterward and he thought it was a good thing that I’d given it to him. At the moment, it’s my responsibility to keep him alive.”

“This is why you’re the therapist and I am not,” Rey said. “I could never cope with all the pain you hear.”

“I know,” Finn said, taking a sip. “This is very good.”

“Yeah, this coffee shop is amazing. I’m so glad I came in here that day.”

“So the job is going well?”

“Great,” Rey said, hearing her name. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

Finn nodded as she walked away, and he set the cup down and reached for the chart. He’d moved beyond the past six months and was into the seventh, and he didn’t know what to think about the fact that Ben’s most recent therapists had never even thought to ask something that would have led them to an answer like the one he had gotten earlier that day. They’d never come up with a therapeutic experiment of any kind that could have gotten an answer like that out of him either. Not even more traditional methods of things like creating art or doing worksheets or assigning readings.

They’d all gone straight for his mother when the three things Ben had said Finn would ask him about first had failed at getting an answer out of him, and that had gotten all of them fired within the first month.

Finn had made more progress in four days than these therapists had made in months. 

He read ten pages of the chart before Rey came back and set a sandwich on the table. “Sorry that took so long but we’re shorthanded tonight. Zorii isn’t here.”

“It’s alright,” Finn said, closing the chart and pushing it to the side. “I’ve got a lot to read anyway.”

“That chart is huge,” Rey said, shaking her head. “I can’t believe you’re going to read the whole thing.”

“I need to know everything they’ve tried, and the only way I’m going to know that is to read this chart,” Finn said as he reached for his sandwich. “It might take me a month, but I’m going to get this read.”

“With the way you read, this is not going to take you a month,” Rey said, shaking her head. “I have to get back to work. But I want to introduce you to Poe before you leave, okay? He’s great and I think you’ll really like him.”

“Alright, I’ll stay until I meet him.”

Rey grinned. “I’ll come back in a little while, okay? Enjoy the coffee and the sandwich.”

Finn nodded as Rey walked away, and then he turned his attention to the food in front of him. He couldn’t get what he’d read off of his mind, knowing that the one piece of information that he could tell he vitally needed was the one thing that he knew he couldn’t get Ben to tell him.

Somehow, someway, he had to find out what happened to Ben’s mother. 

But first, he needed to find out who his mother even was beyond the name Leia.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and, I stress, unrealistic story with realistic elements.

**.fifth**

"Hello?"

"Finn?"

“Phasma,” Finn sighed, recognizing her voice. “He called?”

“Yes, he called and he’s refusing to talk to anyone but you,” Phasma said. “So I’m going to need to put him through.”

Finn sighed again. “That’s fine.”

“One moment.”

A moment later, Ben’s voice came through the phone. “Finn!” 

"Ben."

"So, um, this is me, somewhat following the rules."

Finn shook his head, reaching to turn the television off. "Somewhat?"

"Yeah, um. I didn't follow them exactly."

And then Ben let out the highest pitched giggle Finn had ever heard another man make, which made him just want to bang his head against the table. "Where are you?"

"What does that matter?"

"Tell me where you are," Finn said, standing up and patting at his pockets with his free hand.

"Um, I'm at the park."

Finn glanced around the room and spotted his wallet and keys lying on the kitchen counter. "The one across the street from the hospital?"

"Yeah."

"Go to the swing set and stay there. I'll see you in about ten minutes, okay?"

"Okay."

Finn hung up the phone, grabbed his keys and wallet off the counter, and ran out of the apartment.

**********

Ben was sitting on one of the swings as Finn approached, moving his hand back and forth in front of his face. Finn stopped to observe him for a moment before walking up to him and grabbing his hand.

"What the fuck did you do that for?"

"What did you take?" Finn responded, letting go of Ben's hand and sitting down on the next swing over.

Ben laughed. "I'm not sure what was in the syringe, to be honest. All I know is that it's made me feel amazing."

Finn ran his hands through his hair and sighed. "Do I need to haul you back up to the unit?"

"No, no, that's why I called," Ben said, laughing. "I'm not going back up there."

"You were supposed to call before you took the drugs," Finn pointed out, rocking back and forth on the swing. "Not after."

"Hey, I remembered to call at all. Consider that an accomplishment, alright? I never called for any of those other bastard therapists," Ben said, leaning so far back that he fell out of the swing. "Ow."

Finn sighed and stopped his momentum, standing up and helping to untangle Ben's right foot from the swing. "We’re going to Dameron’s."

"Ooh," Ben said from the ground. "Coffee sounds good."

Finn glanced around the park whilst Ben stood up. "Let's go then."

**********

"Poe!"

Finn watched as Poe’s head shot up across the coffee shop, his eyes wide with surprise. "Ben?"

"Finn, come meet Poe," Ben said, dragging Finn across to Poe's table. "Poe, this is Finn. Finn, this is Poe. You two chat, I'll get us coffee."

Finn opened his mouth to protest but by then Ben was practically running over to the counter, so he turned to Poe. “I am so sorry for whatever happens," he apologized. “But I don’t know what he’s on and I don’t know how long it’ll take to sober him up.”

Poe shook his head. "It’s alright. The place is dead this time of night and business won’t pick up until around six-thirty. So you’ve got plenty of time to get him sobered up before a crowd of people could see him."

"Thank God," Finn said, pulling out a chair and sitting down. “Is Rey still working? I don’t remember when she was supposed to get off work today.”

“Yeah, she is. She’ll be over here soon, I’m sure,” Poe said. “I don’t know if this is important or in his chart or whatever, but I'm the one that found him wandering around town in nothing but his boxers last week. I took him to the hospital because I figured that was the best place for him. The last thing he said before they took him upstairs was that he was going to cut off my balls for bringing him there."

Finn sighed and glanced over at the counter, where Ben was flirting with the barista. "I see. How long have you known him?"

"I wouldn't exactly say I know him. More know of him," Poe said, bringing his coffee cup to his lips for a small sip. "We had a class together my final year of college, but then he dropped out."

Finn brought his attention back to Poe. "But you know about his problems."

"I think all of Tatooine knows about Ben’s problems," Poe replied. "He made a lot of headlines when he didn’t get into the Royal Guard."

Finn paused. "I didn't know that he tried to become a member of the Royal Guard."

"I thought you would've known something like that," Poe said. 

"I'm only part of the way through his chart," Finn said warily. 

Poe smiled sympathetically. "Sounds like a great read."

"Oh good, you're getting along,” Ben said as he walked back to the table, pulling out a chair and sitting down. “Finn needs friends.”

Finn stared at Ben for a moment before clearing his throat. “And where is our coffee?”

“We don't need coffee,” Ben declared, leaning closer to Poe. “Finn's new in town, you see. And he clearly knows no one because when I called him tonight, he was able to jump up and immediately come to me.”

Poe gave Ben a strange look as Ben's hand landed on his shoulder. “Yeah, he’s definitely on something.”

“Yes,” Finn said quickly. “And he won't tell me what.”

“Because I don't know what,” Ben countered back.

“Which is even worse,” Finn pointed out. “You're going to have to tell me where you got that from.”

“Never. Now shut up before I fire you.”

Poe stared at Finn for a moment before pushing his chair back and standing up. “Well, as fun as it was to see you again, Ben, I have to get back to work.”

Ben gave him a look of disbelief. “But we just got here!”

“Yes, you did, but I am working.” Poe grabbed a stack of papers off the table. “Does Rey know how you like your coffee, Finn?”

“Yes,” Finn said. “Why?”

“Because I’ll have her come over with two cups of it in a few minutes.”

“Thank you,” Finn said, and Poe nodded.

“Good luck sobering him up.”

“Thanks,” Finn murmured. “I need it.”

Poe walked away and Finn stared at Ben as he grabbed the container of sugar packets and started taking them out and arranging them in some sort of pattern on the table. He had no idea how to deal with Ben when he was like this, but he now knew to add another thing to the list of things that it was important to discover.

Where Ben was getting his drugs and what kind of drugs they were.

A few minutes later, Rey approached the table with a couple of cups and set them down. “I already saw you tonight.”

“I know, but a certain someone used the emergency line and needs to sober up,” Finn said, reaching for his cup. “Ben, this is my best friend Rey. Rey, this is Prince Ben.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Your Royal Highness,” Rey said, but Ben just stared at her without saying anything. “Um, okay. I have to get back to work but I’ll come to check on you guys soon.”

“Thank you,” Finn said as Rey walked away, turning his attention to Ben. “Hey. When someone says something to you, it is polite to say something back.”

Ben sat there for a moment before turning to Finn with a lazy smile. “She’s beautiful.”

Finn closed his eyes and sighed. That was the last thing that he needed.

“Drink your coffee,” Finn mumbled, reaching for his cup. “And tell me what you want to talk about.”

“I want to talk about Rey,” Ben said, pulling his cup in front of him. “Tell me how you have a best friend in Tatooine when you moved here from Jakku like yesterday.”

Finn thought about what Rey would mind Ben knowing versus what she wouldn’t, and then he nodded. “Alright, I’ll tell you more about how I know Rey. But you have to drink that entire cup of coffee.”

“Deal.”

**.breakfast**

“So what happened when he left?” Rey asked, unwrapping her silverware from the napkin that was around them. “Because I went into the back to get you a cinnamon roll and when I came back he was gone.”

Finn sighed. “He pulled out a phone, called someone, and then like two minutes later, a car pulled up out front and a man in a suit came into the coffee shop. He stood up, thanked me for everything, and went with the man in the suit. I’m guessing that it was security.”

“He was weird,” Rey said. “He wouldn’t even say a word to me.”

“I think he was struck by how beautiful you are. He kept saying that to me when you walked away from the table.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“I don’t know what to think about that.”

Finn shook his head. “Don’t worry about it too much. He was high on something and I’m not sure he knew what he was saying or doing.”

“Yeah, I heard him say some weird shit to you and Poe,” Rey said. “And I didn’t know that he knew Poe.”

“Not very well, according to Poe,” Finn said, taking a long sip. “But he is someone who knows him well enough to be able to call him Ben, so I think Poe was downplaying that while we were there.”

The waitress walked up to the table then and smiled at the two of them. “Welcome to Tico’s. I’m Rose and I’ll be your server this morning. What can I get you to drink?”

The first thing that went through Finn’s mind when he looked up at her was that Rose was gorgeous. And then he decided that was wholly inappropriate and chose to instead just order some juice.

But he let his eyes linger on her a little too long as she turned to get Rey’s drink order, and after Rose had walked away, Rey threw the paper ring that had surrounded her napkin at him. “You were totally checking her out.”

“She’s pretty,” Finn said, trying to brush it off. “I’m allowed to observe that.”

“Hm,” Rey said, tilting her head slightly to the side. “I’ll let you get away with that now, but next time that we’re here and she’s our waitress, then you’re going to hear about it.”

Finn inwardly sighed with relief. “Moving on, the coffee shop really is quite nice. I still don’t know why you’re not trying to pursue another job though. You were so dead set on getting away from waitressing once you were done with school that you sought out jobs here. The one you were supposed to have at Hux International can’t possibly be the only one that would be available to you here.”

“I sought out jobs here to get the fuck out of Jakku. I know what I said and I know I should be seeking out another job,” Rey said seriously. “But I am currently so fucking angry about what happened with those assholes that I don’t even want to think about that kind of work. So, waitressing at the coffee shop is exactly what I need right now. Poe is paying me enough that even if it’s a slow week and I don’t make much in tips, I can still pay my half of everything for the apartment. Therefore, this current situation with the job at Dameron’s is exactly what I need.”

“Your parents are furious,” Finn pointed out.

“My parents are complete and total assholes whose calls I will no longer be answering,” Rey declared. “I’m fucking done.”

Finn reached his hand across the table and squeezed. “Jannah got me through when we broke all ties with our mother. I’ll get you through this.”

“There is nothing to get me through,” Rey said seriously. “I’m over it.”

“Alright,” Finn said, even though he knew better than to believe that. “Then we’re here and we’re free.”

“Yes, but you’re missing people back in Jakku. So, you should call Jessika,” Rey pointed out. “I know she misses you.”

“Jessika and I need time away from each other,” Finn said. “Talking to her will only happen in the case of an emergency. That’s it.”

“She’s your friend, Finn.”

“Yeah, and she wanted to be a lot more,” Finn replied. “I can’t. I just can't. Time will give us the chance of being friends again. I know it.”

Rey clicked her tongue disapprovingly, but then Rose came back with their drinks and wanted to know what they wanted to order, so she let it go.

**.sixth**

“So, um, I'm sorry about the other night,” Ben began. “I vaguely recall some of the things that I said to you, and they were wholly inappropriate.”

Finn looked at him from the other side of the desk. “You definitely said some things about me in front of Poe and Rey that I wish you hadn’t.”

“Right,” Ben said slowly. “And for that, I'm apologizing. I don't apologize often so you better just accept it before I get mad enough to take it back.”

“Oh, I'll accept it,” Finn said, drumming his fingers against the desk. “I'm just trying to figure out what exactly I did to make you think I have no friends.”

Ben laughed. “You practically jumped at my command. You weren't out with anyone on a Wednesday night.”

Finn sighed and stopped his drumming. “I have lived here for three weeks, Ben. Of course I don’t have anyone to go out with on a Wednesday night.“

“Well, you totally need to get some friends. I mean, it’s just a necessity.”

“So who are your friends then?”

Ben stared at Finn for a moment. “It’s hard to have friends when you’re a fucking Skywalker.”

“So I need friends but you don’t?” Finn asked. “I’d think that having friends would help with your loneliness.”

“I’m not talking about this anymore,” Ben said, leaning back in his chair. “So, tell me more about Rey, please.”

Finn shook his head. “This is not time to talk about Rey.”

“Oh, come on! I just want to know more about your only friend.” 

Finn shook his head again. “We are not discussing this anymore.”

“Fine. If we're not discussing Rey, then what are we discussing?” Ben asked. 

Finn opened Ben's chart to a random page and looked down, reading a couple of sentences. “Qi'ra.”

“I don't want to talk about the bitch,” Ben said, propping his feet up on the corner of Finn's desk.

Finn reached out and pushed Ben's feet off the desk. “Don't do that. And I'm still trying to figure out who Qi'ra is, so how about you just tell me that?”

Ben huffed and slid his chair backward, spinning it around so he could prop his feet up on another chair. “Qi'ra is the Mos Eisley city secretary. My father wants to fuck her, she wants to fuck my father, but for some strange reason, they just don't do it.”

Finn reached for a spare notepad and scrawled out a few notes. “Would it bother you if your father and Qi'ra were to begin a relationship?”

“They're practically already in one,” Ben said, sticking his hands in his pockets. “Qi'ra's nickname around town is The Replacement Duchess.”

“That doesn't answer my question,” Finn pointed out.

“Yes, it would bother me. She's a fucking bitch.”

“Why would it bother you? So she's a bitch. So what?”

Ben rolled his head to the side and looked at Finn. “You've never met Qi'ra, so obviously, you won't understand.”

“So you're saying I should meet Qi'ra then?”

“No,” Ben said strongly. “That should definitely not happen. You two would probably get along splendidly.”

Finn made himself another notation. “You don't think that I would think she's a bitch?”

“I don't think you're capable of thinking someone is a bitch,” Ben said, leaning his head back and staring at the ceiling. “You're a therapist. You're supposed to see the good side of all people.” 

“Trust me, that doesn't make me incapable of thinking someone is a bitch,” Finn said, staring over at Ben. “You're still not telling me why Qi'ra being involved in a relationship with your father would bother you.”

“Because then she'd think she's my fucking mother or something,” Ben said, sighing heavily. “And the last thing I need is that woman trying to mother me.”

“How old is Qi'ra?”

“I don't know. Around my father’s age.” Ben looked up at Finn. “Why?”

“Just trying to get a picture of who she is in my head.”

Ben laughed. “Trust me, you don’t want to do that.”

“Would you have a problem if your father began a relationship with someone else?”

“Depends on the person. The minute they try to mother me, though, it'd be over.” 

Finn made another notation. “So you have a problem with people trying to mother you. That’s an issue. There’s also an issue with Qi’ra and your father wanting to fuck each other. And there’s the Replacement Duchess stuff. So my question, I suppose, is where is the real Duchess? Your father’s wife. Your mother.”

Ben sat straight up and looked at the clock. “That's an hour.”

“No it's not,” Finn said, looking at his watch. “It's barely been ten minutes.”

Ben stood up, glared at Finn, and walked out of the office.


	5. Chapter 5

**.apartment**

“So I think I did enough to get myself fired today,” Finn said, taking a bite of his food. “But I haven’t gotten that phone call yet.”

“What did you do?” Rey asked. “No details.”

“There’s a very sensitive subject with him. A person that is missing from his life. And I know next to nothing about this person. That person came up today and he got up and immediately walked out even though it had only been ten minutes,” Finn said carefully. “So I need to figure out more about who this person is and what happened without bringing it up with him and I have no idea how to do that.”

“So he’s missing this person,” Rey said, nodding. “I can see how that would be a sensitive subject, especially if it’s someone close to him. But I don’t think the fact that you brought that person up is going to get you fired. Surely that’s not a fireable offense.”

“I don’t think it matters if it’s a fireable offense or not. He’s a Skywalker. He can do what he wants,” Finn replied.

“Can you imagine what things would be like if you were a Skywalker? If you were living inside that bubble? I don’t think I could take it.” Rey paused to reach for another carton of food. “Always suspicious of everyone that gets close to you, always the risk of whoever you let get close to you running to the papers and spilling your secrets. If I was a royal, I don’t think I’d be able to get close to anyone. How I’d be able to find a husband is beyond me. Probably an arranged marriage with another royal house from a different country.”

“You’re putting entirely too much thought into this,” Finn pointed out.

“Well, what do you think your life would be like if you were royal?” Rey asked. “Because if you think about that, maybe it will help you understand him better.”

Finn went to tell Rey she was crazy but he stopped himself. What would his life be like if he was royal? Would it have similarities to Ben’s life? Would thinking about it help him understand what Ben was going through?

Probably.

“I’ll think about it,” he eventually said. “You’re right. It might help.”

“Good,” Rey said, smiling at him.

“He asked me about you,” Finn said to change the subject. “He really wants to know more about you.”

Rey ate a few bites before responding. “If he wants to know more about me, tell him to come to the shop and ask me himself. You don’t tell him another thing.”

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Finn asked. “Because I don’t know his intent when it comes to knowing more about you.”

“I can take care of myself, Finn,” Rey said seriously. “Besides, what’s he going to do to me in the middle of the shop with Poe there to protect me? I’ve already had conversations with Poe about that after a few people who were either really drunk or really high started harassing me the other night.”

“You didn’t tell me about that,” Finn said seriously. “Why didn’t you tell me about that?”

“Because everything is fine,” Rey said. “Poe said that is not something that happens often and that should it ever happen, just yell his name and he’ll be over there in a flash. So I know what to do. That’s all.”

“Fine,” Finn said. “But I don’t like this.”

“It’s alright, really.”

“Until it’s not.”

“Finn, stop it.”

“Fine.”

**.seventh**

“Your father has requested that I have lunch with him,” Finn said. “Lando has encouraged me to do it, but I am leaving the decision on whether or not I do up to you.”

Ben stared at him for a moment before sighing heavily. “I knew they would try to interfere.”

“I won't discuss our sessions together unless you sign a form giving me consent. I thought I'd just use lunch to get some basic background information on your family. There aren’t a lot of notes on that in your chart, and since I'm not from here, I don't have a clue what I'm dealing with.” 

“And you don't think I would tell you.”

Finn looked up and shook his head. “Considering what happened when I mentioned your mother yesterday? No, I don't.”

Ben ran his hands over his face and leaned back in his chair. “Why don't you have a sofa?”

Finn gave Ben a confused look. “Excuse me?”

“Every good therapist has a sofa for their patient to lie on,” Ben said, dropping his arms down to his lap. “And you don't have one for me to lie on.”

Finn stared at him for a moment before laughing slightly. “So if I got you a sofa, would you tell me about your mother?”

Ben stared back. “No.”

“Then I think this discussion of my lack of a sofa is pretty meaningless.”

Ben conceded the point. “I think a lot of what we talk about is pretty meaningless.”

Finn pulled a notepad in front of him and picked up his pen. “Then talk about something meaningful.” 

“You know what I wanted to be when I was a kid?”

“What?”

“A knight,” Ben said, a smile coming to his face. “Like with the sword and armor and everything. I think that's why I wanted to become a member of the Royal Guard. It was the closest thing there was to a knight in this era.”

Finn scribbled that note across the page. “Why are you saying wanted to be? Were you not a member of the Royal Guard?” 

“I wanted to be but they wouldn't let me in. I didn't pass their mental examination,” Ben said quietly. 

Finn glanced up at him. “So you never made it into the Guard?”

“It was what was expected of me, you know? Lead the armies of Tatooine when it came to conflicts.” Ben shrugged his shoulders and looked up at Finn. “I probably would have been a failure at that.”

Finn reached towards a stack of papers on his desk and searched for something. “Would you be willing to sign a consent form that would allow me to receive a copy of your mental examination with the Royal Guard?”

“Why the fuck do you need that?” Ben exclaimed. “I fucking told you the truth!”

“I’m not saying you didn’t,” Finn replied calmly. “I want to look at what it says and compare it to what you have told the people here at the hospital about your symptoms. That’s all.”

“I’ll think about it,” Ben said after a moment. “And that’s the best you’re getting out of me today.”

“Alright,” Finn said. “How did your family react to you not passing that examination for the Royal Guard?”

“Oh, as well as you think it did. Once my father found out, he dragged me up to the unit and told them to cure me. He hasn't ever quite understood that you can't really do that.”

“Why do you think that?” Finn asked, looking up at Ben. 

“I'm not an idiot, Finn. You can't cure people like me.”

Finn sighed. “You think I'm trying to cure you.”

“Of course you're trying to cure me,” Ben stated. “What else would be the point of all of this?”

“I happen to believe the point of all of this is to give you the tools to improve your quality of life. Coping skills, affirmations, positive thinking. Things that can help you achieve a better lifestyle. Am I ever going to cure you of your desires for alcohol and drugs? I don't know, to be honest. But I think I can help you manage those desires in a much more positive manner than you have been managing them in.” 

“You really are the worst therapist I've ever had,” Ben laughed out. “I mean, really, you are the absolute worst. How the fuck this hospital thought you were worthy of this job is beyond me.”

“Every therapist has a different technique,” Finn said. “Apparently mine is quite a bit different than the ones you've experienced before. But that doesn't make it worse or less effective. You just have to give it a chance.”

“I am giving it a chance,” Ben declared. “That's why I show up here for every session.”

“There is a big difference between showing up for a therapy session and showing up mentally for a therapy session. You're not letting me in at all, but for two little moments – the one where you talked about sword fighting and the one just a few minutes ago when you talked about wanting to be a knight. The rest of the time, you're completely shut off. I'm doing the best I can with those moments, but you're going to have to put in some work if you want your therapy to succeed.”

Ben stared at him for a minute before glancing at his watch. “And with that awkward moment, we have arrived at an hour.”

Finn sighed and watched as Ben stood up and grabbed his coat. “Will you be coming back for our next session?”

Ben paused at the door, his hand on the doorknob. “Yes. I'll try to be more open for you.”

“You don't have to be sarcastic about it,” Finn said, grabbing Ben's chart and standing up.

Ben swung open the door and then turned back to look at Finn. “And you can have lunch with my father, but I'm not signing any sort of release form. Let him do the talking.”

Finn smiled at him. “Then that's what I will do.”

**.dinner**

“How are things going, Ben?” Anakin asked, picking up his glass. “Your father seems to have no idea of what is going on with your sessions.”

Ben sighed, thinking about how he wished he was anywhere but having dinner alone with his grandfather. “He has no idea because my new therapist is not breaking laws by giving him the phone calls. I haven’t given my consent for them to happen, so they’re not happening. Dad’s furious because the others always just did it without my consent.”

Anakin frowned. “You never gave your consent for those?”

“Nope,” Ben said, pausing to take a bite of food. “It’s kinda nice to have a therapist that will stand up the asshole.”

Anakin sighed. “Ben, he’s just concerned about you.”

“No, he’s really not,” Ben countered back. “He’s embarrassed by me. He wants me cured. He doesn’t understand that isn’t possible.”

“Perhaps not,” Anakin replied. “But I refuse to believe that Han isn’t concerned about you. You’re the only piece of Leia he has left.”

Ben immediately reached for his whiskey. “Don’t talk about her, please.”

“I miss her too, you know. My beloved daughter gone just like that. It breaks my heart to think about the fact that I’ll never see her face again.”

“She’s alive,” Ben said. “No one will ever convince me otherwise.”

“Ben,” Anakin said softly. “You need to come to terms with the fact that she’s gone.”

Ben swallowed hard. “Your Majesty, please change the subject before I offend the King of the Realm by storming out of here.”

Anakin sighed but did as requested. “Your grandmother was pleased to know that you’ve given this therapist more sessions.”

“Finn might have a backbone, but he’s an idiot. He’s easily the worst therapist I’ve ever had. He says some of the dumbest shit, I swear.”

“But are his methods helping?” Anakin asked. “That’s the most important thing.”

Ben took a long sip of his whiskey. “I hate therapy. I hate it so much.”

“I know. But it’s what’s best for you.”

“Finn and I had a sword fight,” Ben said quietly. 

“A what?” Anakin asked, alarmed. “He let you around a sword?”

“Relax, Your Majesty. They were toy swords,” Ben responded. “But it was a sword fight, and I’ve always wanted to do one of those, you know? It was...it was just me doing something that I wanted to do without the consequences that come from Dad whenever I do something like that. Just me being me for an hour. It’s been a really long time since that happened.”

Anakin was smiling when Ben looked up at him. “I think an hour of you being you sounds like a great place to start.”

“Yeah, but I think I’m saying too much to him,” Ben said.

Anakin shook his head. “Benjamin, opening up to him is what you’re supposed to be doing. That is what is going to help you. Talking to a professional who knows how to help you through these things. Speaking with Mara about the few things that you are willing to talk about is not enough.”

“Mara always listens to what I have to say,” Ben pointed out. “She’s the best listener out of all of you which is why I talk to her.”

“Yes, but Ben, you don’t talk to her about anything that is going to help you in the long run, and she doesn’t know how to help you in the long run anyway because she is not a trained therapist,” Anakln said seriously. “You need to understand that.”

“Right, which is why I’m saying too much to the actual therapist,” Ben replied. “He keeps bringing up Qi’ra.”

Anakin reached for his whiskey and took a long sip. “I know that Qi’ra is a sensitive subject,” he said after a few moments. “But she is the city secretary and therefore has to work closely with your father.”

“Not that closely,” Ben muttered.

“Your father is holding to his marital vows still, and I have great respect for that,” Anakin said. “But I fully admit that the relationship the two of them have developed is one that I am not particularly fond of.”

“It’s only a matter of time,” Ben said, taking a deep breath. “I hate it, but it’s only a matter of time.”

“I’m not so sure of that. Your father has shown tremendous restraint so far.”

“He can only resist fucking her for so long,” Ben said bitterly. “And when Mama comes back, then it’ll be a whole thing that is not going to be good.”

“Ben,” Anakin said seriously, “Leia is not coming back. She’s gone.”

“I will never believe that,” Ben said seriously. “I will believe that she’s out there until the day that I die. She’s coming back.”

Anakin went to speak but the door opened and a member of the Royal Household came in, whispering something to the king. He nodded and the attendant left the room, and Anakin looked over at Ben. “I have to cut this short. Coruscant is causing problems again.”

Ben swallowed hard at the mention of Coruscant. “Of course, Your Majesty. And my apologies for using such crude language a few moments ago.”

Anakin smiled at Ben as he stood up. “It’s alright, Ben. I can handle language like that. Your grandmother on the other hand…”

“Yes, she always makes it quite clear that she doesn’t like that I speak that way,” Ben replied. “May I please stay to finish my dinner?”

“Of course,” Anakin said, walking towards the door. “And Benjamin? I think this new therapist is good for you.”

“Why?”

“Because this is the most you’ve spoken about your mother in the last decade.” 

Anakin walked out the door before another word could be said, and Ben closed his eyes. He took three deep breaths before reaching for his whiskey, downing the rest of the glass before reaching across the table for Anakin’s. He poured it into his glass, knocked that back as well, and then called out for an attendant. 

He needed more whiskey and when he was done eating, he was going back to his chambers, finding something out of the latest package of drugs he’d gotten, and then getting as fucked up as possible.

Leia was alive. 

He just knew it.


	6. Chapter 6

**.lunch**

“Ben is an arrogant little shit who needs to be put in his place.”

Han gave Finn a strained smile. “Qi'ra, please.”

“Please what? I thought the point of this lunch was to get our point across to him because you know that it's not happening through Ben.” Qi'ra tossed her hair back and reached for her glass of wine. “I'm honestly surprised that you agreed to this lunch, Finn. From the way Han was talking about you, it sounded like our perspective was never going to be heard.”

Finn stalled for time by taking a long sip from his glass of water. “I have always been willing to hear your perspective, Qi'ra, and His Grace's as well. But when you have a situation like the one with His Royal Highness, sometimes it is best to just start with the patient, and bring in the family and friends later.”

“Oh, I can only imagine the things that Ben tells you. He's probably high as a kite when he is in your office. His words cannot be trusted.”

“What Qi'ra is trying to say,” Han interjected, “is that the two of us are very concerned for Ben's well being.”

“No, what I'm trying to say is that I'm past being concerned about it and flat out ready to have him committed to some sort of institution,” Qi'ra countered back.

Finn cleared his throat and drew both of his lunch companions' attention towards him. “His Royal Highness doesn't need to be committed to an institution,” he said. “He just needs medication and a lot of good therapy.”

“Which hopefully he is going to get with you,” Han said, sending a look across the table at Qi'ra. “Do tell us how the sessions are going.”

“I can't do that,” Finn said, reaching for his glass of water again. “He didn't sign a consent form.”

“Well surely you can just not be specific,” Qi'ra said. “He obviously has taken some sort of a liking to you because he hasn't fired you yet.”

“Yes, well, I think I've come close a couple of times,” Finn responded, taking a moment to think of how to phrase things. “Things are progressing slowly with him, but that is to be expected. He's gotten so used to shutting himself off from the rest of the world that it's going to take quite a long time to get him to open up fully.”

“Ben doesn't shut himself off from the world,” Han said, smiling at the attendant as she set a plate of salad down in front of him. “He's practically the most social person in town. He knows almost everyone.”

“There is a difference,” Finn replied, “between knowing of someone and knowing someone. To be completely honest with you, I'm not sure that you even know the real him.”

“Certainly Han knows him better than anyone else,” Qi'ra protested. “He's cared for Ben all on his own for these long years.”

“About that,” Finn said, giving them a tentative smile. “I was wondering if you could give me some background information on his childhood. The one time I've tried to broach the subject with him didn't go so well, and since I'm not from here, I'm not really up to speed on my history of the Skywalker family.” 

Han sighed and reached for his fork. “There isn't much to tell, really. He was a good child, but I've had to raise him on my own since he was seventeen and he’s been a nightmare that entire time.”

“Seventeen,” Finn mused. “Does that mean that his mother disappeared from his life around that time?”

Han sucked in a sharp breath and Qi’ra reached over and put a hand on his arm. “We don’t speak of Leia,” she told Finn. “I hope you understand.”

Finn didn’t, but he nodded. “I’m just trying to gather some information that can help me with him. I’m not trying to be disrespectful or cause any trouble.”

“You’ll never get him to talk about Leia,” Han said, poking at his plate with the fork. “But yes, that’s when she exited his life.”

Finn silently took note of that. “Perhaps he won’t, but any information like that is helpful, so thank you for at least telling me that.”

“Can I be blunt with you, Finn?” Han asked. 

Finn was surprised by the question but tried hard not to show it. “Of course, Your Grace.”

“I will not in any way be blamed for Ben's behavior. I have done everything I can think of to make life as easy as possible for my son, to groom him for his future position. And I know what is said around this town, the view they take of me as a failure of a father because of his behavior. But I don't view myself as a failure as a father, and I will flat out refuse to be blamed for the way my son acts.” 

“I understand completely, Your Grace,” Finn said, reaching for his glass of water again. “It is common for a parent to look at themselves when a mental illness develops in their child, and while some immediately start blaming themselves for everything, others take the same position as you have. I'm not saying that either position is right or wrong, just that my personal belief is that the truth probably lies somewhere within the middle. I don't doubt for a second that you have done everything you've known to do to care for him, but sometimes, it's the things we don't know to do that are the things the person with a mental illness needs the most.”

“So are you saying that this most likely began in Ben's childhood?” Qi'ra asked.

“It's a possibility,” Finn replied. “Normally there are environmental triggers that bring forth the onset of a mental illness, and the exit of a parent from someone’s life is certainly an environmental trigger.”

“And to not have his mother in his life,” Han mused, staring at Finn for a moment. “You don't think his diagnosis is correct.”

“I've yet to broach the subject with him but I would like to recommend him to a psychologist for psychiatric testing,” Finn said. “The results of those tests would provide a much more accurate diagnosis than just major depression. There are characteristics in the notes in his chart that have made me think there is something else going on, but I certainly wouldn't be able to tell you exactly what that is.” 

“Because it's not your job to diagnose?” Qi'ra asked.

“It's definitely not my job to diagnose,” Finn responded. “That's for the psychiatrists and psychologists to do.” 

Qi'ra smiled at him. “Then I say we get him to a psychologist.”

“Would it help if I brought the subject up with him?” Han asked, prompting Finn to shake his head. 

“His mindset at the moment is to do the exact opposite of what you want him to do, so really, it would probably be better for you to say that it seems ridiculous and unnecessary. He'd probably do it then.”

“Then I shall say you brought up the subject and I thoroughly objected to it,” Han said, sending a smile in Qi'ra's direction. “Now, how about we talk about something more delightful? Are you enjoying Mos Eisley, Finn?” 

**.damerons**

Ben walked into the coffee shop and looked around, seeing Rey talking to what looked like a group of high school jocks at a table in the back, so he walked up to the counter and ordered some coffee. When he got his latte, he took it and sat down at a different table in the back, ducking his head down and trying to ignore the fact that half the shop was staring at him.

He was currently sober. 

He hated it.

But he needed to apologize for completely ruining their first meeting by being so fucked up, so he had decided to be stone-cold sober for this. 

He hated that decision too.

He sat there for a few minutes before Rey came to the table, and she smiled at him. “Your Royal Highness. Good afternoon.”

Ben swallowed hard and looked up at her. She’d been beautiful when he was fucked up, but seeing her while he was sober made him realize she was the most gorgeous woman that he had ever seen. God, how he wanted to get to know her. 

He hadn’t wanted to get to know anyone in fifteen years.

“Are you going to actually talk to me this time or is this going to be more awkward staring until I give up and walk away?” Rey asked, and Ben realized he wasn’t saying anything.

“I’m sorry for staring,” he murmured. “I’m just struck by your beauty.”

“Sure, you are,” Rey said sarcastically, shaking her head. “Would you like anything to go with the coffee?”

“One of those Cordon Bleu sandwiches,” Ben said quietly. “They’re the best thing here.”

Rey nodded and wrote that down. “That I am in complete agreement with, Your Royal Highness.”

“Ben,” he said, looking up at her. “Please call me Ben.”

Rey smiled at him. “Well, Ben, I know you already know this, but I’m Rey. It’s nice to meet you now that you’re talking to me.”

“I’m sorry about that,” he said. “I was really fucked up the first time that we met.”

“Yes, that was quite clear,” Rey said, hearing her name be called out. “I will be back with your sandwich in a bit, okay?”

Ben nodded and Rey walked away. He watched her head into the back and then reemerge a few moments later, taking plates to the table with the high school jocks. He sat there and watched her until someone blocked his view, and the chair across from him was pulled out and he watched as Poe sat down. “Poe.”

“You are never in my shop in the middle of the afternoon,” Poe pointed out. “You come in at four a.m. drunk and high and start turning tables over.”

“Felt like coming to get one of those sandwiches you know I like,” Ben said, looking up as Rey came closer. “And I needed to apologize to Rey for just staring at her like a creep when I was last in here.”

“Well, I’m glad that you’re apologizing but you never apologize to anyone so what is up?” Poe asked, sighing when he heard Zorii call out his name. “You better have an answer for that next time I come over here.”

“Only if you tell me you’ve finally told Zorii you’re in love with her.”

“Fuck off,” Poe called out as he walked away, leaving Ben laughing.

Ben let his eyes fall on Rey again, and he took a long sip of his coffee. He didn’t want to come across as a creep any more than he already had, and he didn’t want to come across as needing to know everything about her immediately either. So he decided he was going to play it cool, start by asking why she’d moved here from Jakku, and go from there.

Rey came back a few minutes later with his sandwich, and no sooner had she set it on the table than her name was called out again. “I’ll be back to check on you in a while,” she said, smiling at him. “Enjoy the sandwich.”

Ben murmured thanks as she walked away, and he reached for the sandwich. The shop was obviously busy, and that meant that Rey wouldn’t be at his table as often as he would have liked, but it also gave him time to just watch Rey.

She really was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

**.eighth**

“I cannot believe he brought Qi'ra along to the lunch. Like she has some sort of motherfucking right to be there.”

Finn sighed and twisted his chair around so he was facing Ben. “I wasn't anticipating that she would be there either, but she was, and what they had to say was very interesting.”

“It was also complete bullshit,” Ben countered back. “They don't have a fucking clue about me. They never have. Especially Dad.”

“I can understand that it may feel that way, Ben,” Finn said carefully, “but the impression I got from both of them was that your well-being was their number one priority.”

“If my well-being was their number one priority,” Ben started, then stopped and shook his head. “What the fuck does Qi'ra have to do with this anyway? So she's the city secretary and my father's pseudo girlfriend. So fucking what. She's always sticking her nose in places where it doesn't belong. I'd swear she's evil.”

Finn bit back a laugh. “She's not evil.”

“Of course you don't think that. I told you that the two of you would get along splendidly, and I was right, wasn't I?”

“While I don't share your belief that she is a total bitch,” Finn said, “I still don't think she'd be the type of person I would enjoy coffee with.”

Ben stared at him for a moment. “So you're saying that you're like kinda on my side here?”

“Ben, I am one hundred and ten percent on your side. I just need you to realize that and let me in,” Finn said, spinning his chair back around and staring at his bookshelf for a moment. “There's a workbook that I have that I thought maybe we could go through.”

“I am not doing some stupid psychological workbook,” Ben declared. “Not if I already have to go through some sort of test.”

Finn turned back around at that. “So your father mentioned the fact that I brought up psychiatric testing.”

“And he of course thinks it's ridiculous and unnecessary, which probably means it's a great idea,” Ben said, leaning back in his chair. “So now you get to tell me more about it.”

“Well,” Finn said, spinning his chair the rest of the way around until he was completely facing his desk. “I was thinking that it would be with Lando, or if you wanted to choose a different psychologist here in town, that would be fine too.”

“Lando will be fine,” Ben said, scratching at his neck. “He is among the few people around here who don't treat me like I'm about to kill them.”

“Well, then I can talk to Lando and get something set up,” Finn said, scribbling down a note to remind himself to do just that. “It generally consists of three appointments. The first is an interview-like one where you have to talk to Lando about all the different things that affect you. He'll direct the conversation, but you have to be one hundred percent honest with him because he'll base what sort of tests to give you on what you say. The second appointment will be the tests, and then the third appointment will be to go over the results. And hopefully, you will sign a release form so that Lando can share those results with me because knowing what sort of diagnosis Lando comes up with will help me know what to do with your therapy.”

“A release form for you, but no one else,” Ben said, looking over at him. “I want my father to stay out of this.”

“It would also be a good idea to have a release form signed for Dr. Snoke,” Finn said tentatively. “He may see a need to adjust your medications based on the diagnosis.”

Ben just laughed. “You actually think I take the shit that the dark lord prescribes for me?”

Finn stared at him for a moment before shaking his head and writing down another note. “You don't take your meds.”

“Because I see no need for them.”

“Would you take them if Lando came up with something that could be helped by medication?”

Ben shook his head. “Look, I don't trust the dark lord. So I am not taking anything that he thinks I should be taking, okay?”

Finn thought about that for a moment. “Would you take them if you had someone else prescribing them to you?”

“What are you talking about?”

Finn reached to his right and opened up his desk drawer, searching through it for the hospital directory. “If someone else prescribed you these medications, someone that you trusted more than Dr. Snoke, would you take them?”

Ben stared at Finn as Finn pulled a small book from his drawer. “You mean someone other than the dark lord? He's the only psychiatrist here.”

“Yes, but he's not the only mental health practitioner in town,” Finn said, smiling as he found the right page. “What about Kaydel?”

“Kaydel?” Ben said dumbly. “Kaydel could do all of that for me?”

“She's a licensed nurse practitioner that specializes in psychiatry,” Finn said, picking up the directory and handing it to Ben. “She sees several of the patients that come here.”

“Which means what exactly?”

“She can do pretty much everything Dr. Snoke can do from a medication standpoint; she just doesn't have the title doctor.”

Ben read through the page that Finn had the directory open to. “I had no idea Kaydel could do all that.”

“You seem to know her rather well,” Finn said, watching as Ben closed the book and handed it back to him. 

“We have a bit of a history,” Ben said, sticking his hands in his pockets. “So, how do I ditch the dark lord then?”

“Let me talk to Kaydel first,” Finn said, putting the directory away. “She's going to have to be willing to take you on as a patient.”

“Of course she is,” Ben sighed. “Well, that will never happen, so I suppose I'm stuck with the dark lord.”

“Because of your bit of a history?”

“Something like that.”

Finn shook his head. “Let me talk to her anyway. Though I'll need you to sign a release form before I can do that.”

Ben nodded slightly then rolled his chair over to the desk as Finn pulled a blank release form from a folder. “If it helps, you can tell her that I'm sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Finn said, filling out the correct blank with Kaydel's name and then sliding it across the desk. 

“I'm not telling you that,” Ben said, picking up the pen and signing his name on the line Finn pointed to. “Just tell her that I'm sorry.”

Finn frowned slightly but took back the signed release form. “I'll talk to her before our next session.”

“Sounds good,” Ben said, standing up and grabbing his coat. “You know I've been thinking about what you said the other day, about me not being open enough.”

“Yes?” Finn said, looking up from where he was putting the form into Ben's chart. 

“I think maybe you're right about that. But I don't think I know how to be open with people.”

“Well, that's something we could work on if you'd like.”

Ben reached for the door handle and turned it slowly. “I would, I think. We can start next time.”


	7. Chapter 7

**.request**

“There is absolutely no way that I am going to take Ben on as a patient.”

Finn sighed and set Ben's chart down on the table, glancing around the rest of the cafeteria for a moment before sitting down across from Kaydel. “He's not taking his medication. And he's going to continue not to take it if Dr. Snoke is the man prescribing it.”

“Then the court doctor can prescribe it,” Kaydel said, poking at her salad with her fork. “Look, Finn, I know you mean well, but there's sort of history between me and Ben, and I just...I wouldn't feel comfortable.”

“Ben mentioned there was a history, and before you say anything, he didn't tell me about it,” Finn said quickly, stopping Kaydel before she could speak. “All he said was to tell you that he was sorry.”

Kaydel stopped poking at her salad and looked up at Finn. “He did?”

“Yes. He specifically said to tell you that he was sorry, though he wouldn't tell me what for.”

Kaydel sighed and set her fork down, running her hands through her hair. “I've waited for two years to hear him say that.”

Finn mentally noted that. “Look, I know that I'm probably sticking my nose into something I shouldn't here, but if you care about him at all, would you please consider taking him on as a patient? I think he is willing to listen to you in ways that he is not prepared to do with Dr. Snoke, and he must start taking his meds if he ever wants to get better. And you know that.”

Kaydel stared at Finn for a moment before tilting her head to the side. “You sound like you're starting to seriously care for Ben's well-being.”

“He's my only patient,” Finn stated. “I spend practically twenty-four-seven thinking about him because of that. And I have a feeling that if I screw this one up then I'm going to lose my job, so I'm trying really hard to make sure that doesn't happen.”

“Oh Finn, I don't think they'd fire you if the Ben experiment fails,” Kaydel said, reaching out and putting her hand on Finn's. “They've never done that with any of the other therapists.”

“But how many of them were on just Ben duty, hm?” Finn said, glancing at where Kaydel's hand was resting. 

Kaydel noticed and suddenly pulled her hand back, giving Finn a strained smile. “Sorry. I...my boyfriend's out of town and I'm missing the contact.”

“It's alright, Kaydel,” Finn said, cutting her off. 

“Have you been going out at least? Finding someone of your own here?” Kaydel asked curiously.

Finn laughed and shook his head. “Oh no. I'm not getting involved in office gossip. My private life is staying that way, thank you very much.”

“I wasn't going to gossip about you,” Kaydel said defensively, laughing when Finn cast a disbelieving look in her direction. “Oh alright, maybe a little. We're all curious as to who sent the flowers.”

“Flowers?” Finn asked quizzically. 

Kaydel let out a loud laugh. “You really are focused on nothing but Ben at the moment, aren't you? The big bouquet that arrived this morning? Phasma brought them in for you?”

“I have no recollection of this,” Finn said, shaking his head slightly.

“Oh Finn, you should really go look at them. They looked gorgeous from across the office.”

Finn nodded and picked up Ben's chart. “I may just do that.”

“As for your original question,” Kaydel said, sighing. “I'll take him on a trial basis. After the first visit, if I decide I can't do it, then you'll have to find someone else.”

“I can accept that deal,” Finn said, smiling at her. “Thank you ever so much, Kaydel.”

“You're welcome, Finn,” Kaydel said, picking her fork back up as Finn turned away from the table. 

He smiled at random people as he passed them on his way back up to his office, finding a bouquet sitting there just as Kaydel said it would be. He tossed Ben's chart onto his desk and stared at them for a moment, mentally taking in the fact that all his favorite colors were represented, and his favorite types of flowers too. Sighing heavily, he sat down and reached for the card that was stuck amongst them, pulling it out of its small envelope and reading the short message.

_Because I bet your office needs some color. I miss you.  
Jessika_

Before Finn knew what he was doing, his phone was pressed to his ear and he was dialing a number he knew by heart, waiting for the person on the other end to pick up.

“Hello?”

“She sent me flowers.”

“Finn?”

Finn rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. “Yes, Jannah, it's me.”

“How many times must I ask you to identify yourself when you call me?”

“How many times do I have to tell you that you need to learn the sound of my voice already?” Finn tossed the card onto the desk and sighed heavily. “I'm not calling to talk about this. I'm calling to talk to my sister.”

“About Jessika.”

“Yes. She sent me flowers. A gigantic bouquet. Must have cost her over two hundred credits.”

A long sigh from the other end of the phone. “She misses you, Finn. She was telling me as much when she was over here the other day.”

Finn sat straight up at that. “She was over there? Are you kidding me?”

“The sink clogged and I couldn't get it undone, and since you've left I've got no one to help me,” Jannah said defensively. “I asked her brother if he would come to fix it and Jess came with him. I at least trust them to come into my home.”

Finn sighed and slumped back down in his chair. “I just really wish you wouldn't do that. You're probably keeping her hopes alive.”

“The ones you dashed, you mean?”

“Jannah,” Finn warned.

“Finn, honestly, I cannot do anything about the fact that Jess is in love with you.”

“She'll get over it.”

“Finn, you two danced around the idea for so long that I'm not sure that she will.”

Finn played with the cord of the phone. “That's why I left. So she could get over it and then we could be friends again.”

“I know. But I'm not sure that Jess can ever just be your friend, Finn. She's told me that too.”

“Sounds like you're just spending all sorts of time with her,” Finn said, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. “I wish you wouldn't do that.”

“Finn, now you're just being unreasonable. I'm not going to just ignore her! We’ve been friends since we were kids.”

“Jannah.”

“Honestly, I think I was just as surprised as Jess was when you came up with this idea to leave Jakku for Tatooine with Rey. You had everything you wanted here.”

“No, I didn't. If I did, I would have stayed.”

“And Jess wasn't enough to make you change your mind.”

“No, she wasn't. And she never will be.”

“Oh, Finn.”

“This conversation is not going the way I was expecting it to.”

“What do you want me to do, Finn? What do you want me to say?”

Finn thought about that for a moment. “I don't know. I just...I have to get back to work now.”

“Finn.”

“Goodbye, Jannah,” Finn said, hanging up the phone. He picked up the small card and read Jessika’s message again before tossing it into the garbage can next to his desk. “And goodbye, Jess.”

**.ninth**

Ben eyed the flowers as he walked into Finn's office and dropped down into one of the chairs. “Flowers?”

“Don't ask.” Finn flipped open Ben's chart and pulled out the pages he had photocopied earlier. He stared at them for a moment before shaking his head and putting them back. “You want to get out of here?”

“Excuse me?” Ben said, confused. 

“I cannot spend another minute in this office today. Let's go for a walk or something.” Finn stood up and grabbed his coat off its hook.

Ben gave Finn a confused look but stood up anyway, following him from the office and out of the building. “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Finn said, zipping up his jacket against the cold. “No. I don't really know at the moment, to be honest.” 

“Sounds like we're feeling the same way today then,” Ben said, falling into step beside him.

“I talked with Kaydel,” Finn said, sticking his hands in his pockets. “She's willing to take you on a trial basis. But I want to lay down a few ground rules before you see her.”

“Alright,” Ben said, looking at Finn. “Then can we talk about what's wrong with you?”

“We're not talking about what's wrong with me,” Finn said firmly, waiting for a car to pass before crossing the street and heading towards the park. “You are not allowed to bring up your history with her, except to apologize in person for whatever it is that you need to apologize for. You are to take the medication that she prescribes for you as directed, and you are going to promise me that not only will you follow these rules, you will not do anything to make Kaydel cancel this arrangement.”

Ben followed along behind him, thinking about what Finn said. “I can agree to those.”

“Good,” Finn said, heading towards the playground and sitting down on one of the swings. “Now what else do you want to talk about?”

“Whatever it is that's bothering you,” Ben said, sitting down on another swing. “I've never seen you like this.”

“We are not talking about that,” Finn said strongly. “You said yesterday that you want me to help you be more open with people. Do you still mean that?”

“I do mean that, yes.” Ben started to slowly rock back and forth on the swing. “Maybe then people will think something about me other than that I'm crazy.”

“You're not crazy,” Finn replied, turning to look at Ben. “Trust me on that one. There's nothing wrong with you that the right medication and some good therapy can't take care of.”

“Everyone in this town thinks I'm crazy. Everyone in the country,” Ben said, shrugging. “It's always been easier to just let them think that.”

“It is always easier to let someone think something about ourselves than it is to let them know what it is we really think,” Finn said, smiling sadly. “Sometimes we think it's just better to go along with what is convenient. I'm paying the price for that right now.”

“Really?” Ben asked, surprised. “I would have thought that you would be Mr. Open.”

“It sounds a lot easier than it actually is,” Finn said, turning his gaze away from Ben and back towards the hospital. “Everyone has a right to keep some things to themselves. It just becomes a problem when you keep too much to yourself.”

“So what are you saying exactly?”

“I'm saying that you shouldn't have waited two years to apologize to Kaydel, and you shouldn't have done it through me,” Finn said out of nowhere. “I'm saying that I should have told Jessika the truth about a couple of things instead of letting her believe the opposite.”

“Jessika? Oh, is this a girlfriend?” Ben reached over and shoved at Finn's shoulder. “I should have known it was something to do with a girlfriend.”

“She's not my girlfriend,” Finn said softly. “And she never will be, no matter how much she wishes otherwise.”

Ben stared at Finn for a moment before that sunk in. “Oh. _Oh._ I see.”

“I shouldn't have told you that,” Finn sighed.

“No, no, it's cool,” Ben said. “You keep my biggest secrets and I'll keep yours, right?”

Finn laughed slightly. “Nothing you have ever told me compares to what I just told you.”

“I broke Kaydel's heart when she graduated from college. She was expecting me to propose, and I just...I knew that wasn't what I wanted but I was too scared to tell her the truth. So I let her think I was messing around on her with some other girls.” Ben sighed and leaned his head against the chain of the swing. “I've always regretted not telling her that I just wasn’t ready and that I needed a lot more time before I could think about marriage. I mean, whoever I marry is going to be the queen someday, you know? That’s a big decision and it’s not one to make lightly. I really do wish I’d told her because I think she would have understood.”

“She still might,” Finn said, turning to look back at Ben. “Especially if you apologize and tell her the truth in person.”

“So you think I should tell her?”

“I think it would be a good way for you to practice being open with someone,” Finn said. “Plus she's someone you seem to trust, and that's another good thing.”

“Then I suppose I have a homework assignment,” Ben said jokingly. “In all seriousness, I think that this would help ease the tension between myself and Kaydel a lot.”

“And you need that tension eased if you want to get away from Dr. Snoke,” Finn said. 

“Then I'll give it a try,” Ben said, looking over at Finn. “Are you going to be okay?”

“I'll figure it out. I always do,” Finn said, turning his gaze back towards the hospital. “I'm surprised you care, to be honest.”

“I'm sort of depending on you at the moment,” Ben responded. “That means I need you around and focused on me.”

Finn laughed. “Oh, I'm focused on you. Don't doubt that for a second. I finally finished reading your chart.”

“I bet that was fun.”

“It was a blast,” Finn laughed. “But at least now I have a basic idea of what I'm working with. You're rather complicated, you know.”

“So I've been told.” Ben stood up from the swing and pushed at Finn's shoulder. “Come on, let's go back inside. It's freezing out here.”

**.ticos**

“She sent you flowers.”

Finn looked up from the menu at Rey and nodded. “Huge bouquet. I’ll show you a picture in a minute.”

“That’s insane.”

“That’s what I was thinking.”

Rey dropped her eyes back down to the menu. “She’s not going to get over you, Finn. I hate to tell you that, but it’s the truth.”

“Not enough time has passed yet. She’ll get over it.”

Rey shook her head. “She’ll move on, but she won’t get over it.”

“You sound like Jannah.”

“Jannah?”

“I called her after I saw the flowers.”

“That’s surprising.”

Finn looked up at her again. “Why is that surprising? I can’t call my sister?”

“Well, given what you were saying to me about Jannah’s place in your life on the flight here from Jakku, you can’t be that shocked that I’m surprised.”

Finn sighed heavily, but before he could answer, Rose approached the table. “Hey, hey, hey. How are you two doing tonight?”

“As good as I can be,” Rey said. 

“Same,” Finn said. “It’s just been a long day.”

“Well, hopefully some good food will help,” Rose said, smiling at him. “Do you know what you want or should I just put in your usual?”

Finn and Rey looked at each other for a moment before Rey laughed. “Are we that predictable?”

Rose smiled. “You two order the same thing every time that you’re in here. And I memorize my regulars’ usual orders. Yours is easy.”

“Then let’s go with my usual,” Rey said. “I’m curious if you’ll remember everything about it.”

“Oh, I will, trust me,” Rose said, turning her attention to Finn. “And for you, Finn?”

Finn nodded. “Give me my usual too.”

“Excellent. I’ll go put the order in and be right back with your drinks unless you want to shake those up today.”

“Give me a chocolate milkshake along with mine,” Finn said, and Rey smiled.

“That sounds great,” she said, flipping the menu to the page with the flavors. “I will try a coffee one.”

“Usual drinks and milkshakes will be out in a few,” Rose said, smiling at Finn one more time before walking away.

Rey kicked him underneath the table. “You are totally into her and I am not letting you get away with denying it anymore.”

Finn took a deep breath as he realized he had no way out of this one. “She’s gorgeous, she’s funny, and I want to get to know her better. That’s all.”

“Then ask her to do something that is more than her being our waitress four times a week,” Rey said.

“Four times a week?” 

“Have you not noticed that we are here four times a week?” Rey asked. “Because we are always here four times a week.”

Finn just shook his head. “I did not realize that. But the weeks have sort of blended together since I got my patient.”

“How’s it going? No details.”

“We’re going to meet twice a week because meeting everyday is getting us nowhere. I think he’ll probably respond better if he doesn’t feel forced to be there all the time.”

“Well, that’s good, I suppose. Feeling forced to be in therapy can’t possibly be good.”

“No, it’s not,” Finn replied. “I also need to go to the library and do some research. I’ve been told that I might be able to find out about this person who is missing from his life if I go talk to Beaumont Kin who apparently works there.”

“Then you should go tomorrow night while I’m at work.”

“I’m going to call the library tomorrow and see if I can get the hours he usually works. If he’s there tomorrow night, I probably will. Otherwise, I’m going to talk to Lando about how I need to go during work hours.”

“I hope this Beaumont guy can give you some insight. I know you were really frustrated the other day with the lack of progress you’ve made in that area,” Rey said, unwrapping her silverware from the napkin. 

“Yeah, I really have been. It’s like this person just completely vanished and no one wants to talk about it.”

“Interesting.”

“It’s intriguing, I won’t lie,” Finn said. “But I really need answers instead of just being intrigued so I’m hoping this guy can help.”

“Well, I hope so too,” Rey said, looking up when Rose came back with their drinks. “Rose, I was just talking to Finn about how we need to get to know you better.”

Finn pressed down on Rey’s foot, but Rose smiled. “I have been telling Paige that you two seem to be just the kind of people I want to be friends with, so absolutely,” she said. “There’s a new movie out this weekend that I’m interested in seeing and I have Saturday off. You guys want to go with me? We can go somewhere and get something to eat. Just not here.”

Finn realized that he couldn’t get out of it without looking like a complete dick, so he smiled and nodded. He wanted to get to know Rose better anyway. “Sounds good to me.”

“Me too,” Rey said, giving Finn a knowing look. 

“Then we’ll work out the rest of the details and exchange numbers before you leave,” Rose said, smiling. “Your food will be out soon.”

“Thanks, Rose,” Rey said, and after Rose walked away, she turned her attention back to Finn. “This is the beginning.”

“The beginning of what?” Finn asked.

“A wonderful friendship for me, and something more for you,” Rey said, continuing to talk before FInn could say anything. “So he came into the coffee shop again today and I’ve got to say, I think he was sober again.”

That surprised Finn and he let thoughts of Rose and this weekend leave his mind. “Tell me more, please. I can’t imagine him sober and I want an idea of what this is like.”

“Alright,” Rey said, reaching for her milkshake. “I didn’t get a chance to talk to him very much because we were busy, but I’ll tell you about what was said. It was just little random things, but it might help you understand him a bit better.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unrealistic story with realistic story elements.

**.rescue**

Ben was sitting at what had become his table at Dameron’s, waiting for Rey to bring him a sandwich, when he first heard the giggles. Closing his eyes briefly, he prayed to every god that existed that what was about to happen would not happen. Then he heard the giggles again, this time accompanied by his name, and he went from praying to the gods to cursing their existence. 

He was going to hate every second of this.

Rey was across the room, but she looked towards the back when she heard the screech of a chair against the tile floor and saw the table of female college students getting up. She hadn’t given them their check yet, so she headed in their direction only to find that they weren’t walking towards the front but further back. She was confused by what was happening, curious why they were abandoning their table for another one, when they stopped at Ben’s table and started sitting down. 

One look at Ben told her that he was miserable and did not want them there.

Ben reached for his coffee and took a long sip when one of them started talking to him, completely ignoring what they were saying. He was sober because he had decided he would always be sober when he came to the coffee shop to visit Rey, and he currently hated that decision more than he ever had before.

He really, really needed to be fucked up to deal with this.

The girls started laughing at something that one of them had said, and Ben let out a small chuckle to give off the appearance that he was listening. One of them said something and he could tell it was a question, but he hadn’t been paying enough attention to have actually heard what the question was. He needed a way out of this situation and he needed it now.

And then suddenly Rey appeared at the table.

“Ladies,” she said, smiling at them. “Here is your check.”

Rey put the check down on the table before placing her hand on Ben’s shoulder, making him look up at her. “Ben, are you doing okay?”

Ben took a deep breath before smiling at Rey. “Better now that you’re here.”

Rey squeezed his shoulder. “I don’t have another break before I get off work, and then I need to run home and change before our date tonight.”

The girls immediately fell silent and Ben stared at Rey for a moment, unable to believe that she was doing this for him. “That’s fine, baby,” he said, fully aware that every word he said was probably going to be in the papers the next day. “We can go to your place and you can change before dinner.”

“Perfect,” Rey said, bending down and brushing a quick kiss across Ben’s lips. “I’ll go get your sandwich, okay? Ladies, Poe will check you out at the register. Thanks for coming to Dameron’s.”

Rey squeezed Ben’s shoulder one more time before walking away, leaving Ben there wondering what in the fuck she’d just done that for. 

“You have a girlfriend?” one of the girls said, and Ben was nodding before he could stop himself. “You’ve kept that quiet. Well, no more.”

The girls all stood up before Ben could say another word, and he was far more relieved at the fact that they were leaving than he was at the fact that he was going to end up in the papers again. But then he realized that meant Rey was going to end up in the papers too. And once the papers figured out who she was, they weren’t going to leave her alone.

Fuck, he had to prepare her for what was about to happen.

Rey came back to the table a few minutes later, setting Ben’s sandwich down in front of him. “I am so sorry for just invading your personal space,” she apologized. “I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. I just...I thought it would sell the whole thing better if I did.”

“Rey, it’s fine,” Ben said, smiling at her when she looked at him. “And it worked. But we have a problem now.”

“And what is that?”

“The fact that they’re going to run to the papers about my waitress girlfriend,” Ben said, taking a deep breath. “Therefore, I’d like to know what time you get off work so that we can go have dinner or breakfast or whatever it has to be so that I can prepare you for what is about to happen.”

Rey swallowed hard. “I hadn’t thought about that,” she murmured. “I was just trying to help.”

“And you did,” Ben said. “Now it’s time to let me help you.”

Rey stood there for a moment before nodding. “I get off at five.”

“Then we’ll go have dinner after that if that’s alright?”

“That’s fine,” Rey said. “I’ll let Finn know I won’t be home.”

“Please don’t tell him you’re having dinner with me,” Ben said quickly. “I know you’ll need to tell him all of this after our dinner, but I don’t want him crashing in on this. His views as my therapist about this whole situation will not help me explain what’s about to happen to you.”

Rey stared at him for a moment before nodding. “Just the two of us for dinner.”

Ben smiled. “Thank you.”

Rey heard her name be called out and smiled. “Enjoy the sandwich. I’ll be back later.”

She walked away before Ben could say anything else, taking a deep breath before heading into the back. She knew she had done the right thing in helping Ben, but now she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d done the right thing for herself. Fuck, all of this could be such a problem.

And Finn was going to hate it. She just knew it.

**.appointment**

“This is awkward,” Ben said after a few minutes of silence. “And it's entirely my fault that this is awkward, so allow me to apologize.”

Kaydel stared at him for a moment. “I thought you didn't apologize.”

“I usually don't,” Ben said curtly, before pausing and shaking his head. “No, I'm not going to get angry. I'm supposed to be open and honest with you. That's what Finn said to do.”

“Is that so? And what else did Finn tell you to do?”

Ben ran his hands over his face and sucked in a deep breath. “Kaydel, I broke up with you because I wasn’t ready to get married. I wasn’t sure that things were the way they needed to be for it to last for the rest of my life. I broke up with you because I wasn’t ready to make you a future queen. Besides, you deserved to have a life instead of being trapped in the world I have to live in.”

Kaydel set her hands down on the edge of her desk. “Excuse me?”

“I really liked you a lot. I still do,” Ben said softly. “But as our relationship progressed, I started to get more unsure of how I felt. And then when it was time to tell you that I wasn’t ready, I took the chickenshit way out and lied instead of telling you the truth. And I have always regretted that, let me tell you. Always. You deserve the truth.”

“Well, I...” Kaydel said, leaning back in her chair and glancing down at Ben's chart. “It certainly explains a lot.”

Ben's head shot up at that. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I always thought the problem was me,” Kaydel sighed. “I thought I wasn’t good enough for a future king.”

“Don’t think that way, please,” Ben said quickly. “It was all me. All my fault. And I’d like to just apologize and then we can move on.”

“That is something that I can do,” Kaydel said, smiling when Ben let out a sigh of relief. “I've sort of learned by now that it wasn't that I was doing something wrong, anyway. Beaumont has been very keen to reassure me of that.”

Ben blinked a few times. “Beaumont? You're dating Beaumont Kin?”

“Yes,” Kaydel said, smiling shyly. “He's good for me, I think. Much better than you were, that's for sure.”

“I'm so emotionally detached from the world that I think a dead horse would be better for you than me,” Ben said, putting his head down again. “God, what you must think of me.”

“I think you are a deeply distressed man who needs some help,” Kaydel said softly. “I've always hoped and prayed that each time they rush you in here will be the last, that you'll take to the treatment and find the right tools to allow you to heal yourself. But you never have.”

“I, um,” Ben started then fell silent for a moment. “I think this time is different.”

“I hope this time is different,” Kaydel said. “For your sake. You deserve to live a happy life, Ben.”

Ben just shook his head. “No, I don't. I've been too much trouble for too many people for far too long. Being miserable is my punishment.”

“Being miserable is a consequence of leaving your illness untreated,” Kaydel said softly, opening up Ben's chart. “I read through this earlier and saw that Dr. Snoke has just been treating you for major depression, but from talking to Finn and reading through the notes, it looks like something else is going on.”

“Yeah, I'm going to have some sort of a test about that,” Ben said, leaning back in his chair. “With Lando, next week.”

“Well, when you see Lando, sign a release form so I can get that information from him if you wouldn't mind. A true diagnosis will really help send us in the right direction.” Kaydel reached for a pen and jotted down a few notes. “In the meantime, I think what we should do is treat the symptoms that you do have.”

“And what are those?”

“Ben, don't tell me you don't even know your own symptoms.”

Ben threw his hands up and sighed in disgust. “No one's ever listened when I've tried to tell them how I feel before, so how the fuck should I know what is an actual symptom and what isn't?”

“Then let's work them out,” Kaydel said, setting the chart aside and reaching for a notepad. “Obviously, depression is one of them. Would you say that you have mood swings?”

“Doesn't everyone?”

“Yes, but I mean ones that last for a particularly long time,” Kaydel said. “Like weeks where you are down and depressed, and then weeks where you are relatively up and maybe not happy but certainly happier than you had been.”

Ben sighed and stuck his hands in his pockets. “I suppose so. More of the down and depressed than the not-so-down and depressed though.”

Kaydel scribbled out a few more notes. “Do you ever hear or see things that aren't there?”

“Sometimes,” Ben mumbled, refusing to look up at Kaydel. “What does that matter?”

“You really have no concept of what makes for good mental health, do you?” Kaydel sighed and wrote out another note. “Tell me more about that.”

Ben sighed heavily. “Sometimes I think there's someone outside my door. Sometimes I can hear their voice. Sometimes it's my shower instead of the door.”

“Does that keep you from opening that door or using that shower?”

Ben swallowed hard. “I only ever open the door with a bat in my hand. And I don't take showers.”

Kaydel looked up at that. “You don't take showers. How do you keep up your hygiene then?”

Ben's cheeks blushed a faint red. “I wash my hair in the sink. I use a washrag and soap for the rest of it.”

“Why don't you take a shower, Ben? After you've seen there's no one hiding in there?”

Ben coughed slightly. “I don't like the feeling of water on my skin. It feels like things are crawling all over me and I hate it. So I don't do it.”

Kaydel wrote out another couple of notes. “Are there ever other times when you feel like things are crawling on you?”

“Whenever I have to be at one of those fucking state dinners,” Ben said, thinking about it for a moment. “Or whenever I'm somewhere that’s really crowded.”

“Would you say those are moments where you're very anxious?” 

Ben nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Do you often feel very anxious?”

“All the time,” Ben mumbled. 

“Are you able to sleep?”

“Eventually. Takes me hours to fall asleep. It's like my mind just doesn't want to shut off.”

Kaydel sighed and set her pen down. “You do realize that you could have been feeling a lot better if you'd been taking your medications, don't you?”

“I don't trust the dark lord. I'm not taking anything that man wanted me to take.”

Kaydel sighed and dragged Ben's chart back in front of her. “He had you on a bunch of medications that I rather hate, to be quite honest. I don't like the way my patients act while they're on them, and I really dislike the withdrawal they go through when they come off of it. So I'm going to give you something else.”

Ben sighed with relief. “Good.”

“I'm going to put you on a medication that I prescribe a lot for depression. And I'm going to put you on another couple as well. One should help you with the hallucinations and the racing thoughts at night, and the other should help with your anxiety. Now, once you are asleep, do you sleep well?”

“Well enough,” Ben mumbled. 

“Then I think we will forgo a sleeping medication for the moment. We can always put you on one later if we decide that you need it.” Kaydel opened up a drawer and reached for her prescription pad. “Now, you have to take these exactly as directed, alright? Morning and night.”

“Okay.”

Kaydel took a deep breath. “No alcohol and no drugs.”

Ben stared at her for a moment. “You're kidding me.”

“No, I'm not. Combining either of those with prescription medications can be very, very dangerous.”

Ben sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “I don't know if I can do that.”

“You have to, Ben.”

Ben sighed again and forced out a small laugh. “I guess that's part of getting better right? Medicate with actual medication instead of self-medicate with shit that can kill me.”

“Exactly,” Kaydel said, smiling softly at him. “And I know you can do it, Ben.”

“Still have faith in me, do you, Kaydel?”

“Always,” Kaydel said softly. “Now come on, let's go up front and Kalonia can get your next appointment set up.”

“So you're willing to see me again then?” Ben asked cheekily.

Kaydel just rolled her eyes. “That line almost didn't work with me on our first date, and so why you think it will work now remains a mystery.”

“Because it worked the first time,” Ben said, standing up and following Kaydel out of the office. “And because it'll work this time too.”

**.ticos**

“This is not where I assumed we would be having dinner,” Rey said, laughing as they sat down in a booth. “But I’m far more comfortable here than I would have been at some fancy restaurant.”

“Honestly? Me too,” Ben said, reaching for the menus and handing one to Rey. “The Ticos treat me like I’m Ben, not like I’m the fucking prince.”

Rey tilted her head to the side. “You don’t have any pride in being the prince, do you?”

“Not particularly,” Ben said, taking a deep breath. “I don’t like my family very much anymore.”

“Why?” Rey asked. “I’d give anything to have a family that loved me the way that yours does.”

“My family doesn’t love me,” Ben said, shaking his head. “We’re not here to talk about this. We’re here to talk about what’s going to happen with you.”

Rey could tell that she’d hit a sensitive spot and backed off. “Alright, let’s talk about that. What is going to happen?”

“Ben,” came Rose’s voice, and he looked over at her as she approached the table. “I was not expecting to see you here with Rey.”

“You know Rey?” Ben asked, looking over at Rey. “I didn’t know that.”

“Finn and I are sort of regulars,” Rey explained. “And we always get Rose as our waitress.”

“Paige laughs at that, by the way,” Rose said, reaching into her apron for her order book. “Anyway, I didn’t know that you knew each other.”

“We met at Dameron’s,” Ben said quickly. “Fell for her easily.”

“Oooh, so I should check the papers tomorrow is what you’re saying?” Rose asked, making Ben sigh.

“Unfortunately, and ninety-nine percent of it will be bullshit.”

“Always is,” Rose said, smiling at them. “What can I get you guys to drink?”

They ordered drinks and Rose walked away, and Rey trained her attention back on Ben. “So you end up in the papers like this a lot?”

“Not like this,” Ben said seriously. “We have given some people evidence of a relationship. Most of the time it’s just a bunch of bullshit that some girl that I’ve met a couple of times makes up for some money. The papers will pay a lot of fucking credits for any stories about me, and so these girls see it as an easy payday. They’ll gain a little notoriety until it’s clear that whatever story she’d sold to the papers had run its course and that I wasn’t in her life anymore, and then they drop off the radar. So I’m hoping that we can come up with a way for you to drop off the radar without me having to stop talking to you. I need to talk to you.”

Ben silently cursed himself. He should not have said that.

“You need to talk to me?” Rey asked, confused. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the fact that you’re like the first person I’ve actually wanted to get to know in a really, really long time,” Ben said quietly. “I’ve done the whole dating thing because I’ve had to look like I’m trying to find a woman to be queen someday, and some of those relationships have lasted a year or two, but I didn’t really want to know any of them. Kaydel is the only one that has come close because I learned to actually care about her, but In the beginning, she was just a pretty girl that would fulfill my needs. But you...I actually want to get to know you.”

Rey sat there saying nothing until Rose came back, breaking her silence only to order dinner. Once Rose was gone, Ben sighed heavily. “I freaked you out. And I get it. I would be freaked out by me too. I’m such a fucking disaster of a person. You should want nothing to do with me.”

“Why me?” was out of Rey’s mouth before she could stop it. “I mean, I’m no one.”

“You’re someone,” Ben said strongly. “You’re Rey. Rey, from everything I’ve been able to learn so far, is pretty fucking awesome. Never say that you’re no one. You’re wrong.”

“Well, if I’m Rey who is fucking awesome, then who are you?” Rey challenged. “Because I don’t think you look at yourself that way.”

“Ben,” he said after a moment. “Lost, destroyed, but the only one still with hope for what I want more than anything. No one else believes it’s possible, but I do. No one will ever convince me otherwise.”

“I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean,” Rey said, and Ben blinked when he realized what he’d told her. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Ben said, reaching for his silverware and peeling the paper ring off of it. “I shouldn’t have said it.”

“You’re afraid of people knowing who you are, aren’t you?” Ben’s silence gave Rey the answer. “Well, if you want to get to know Rey who is fucking awesome, then I get to know Ben who is lost and destroyed but hopeful. That’s the deal.”

Ben swallowed hard. “Okay,” he said after a minute. “But don’t tell Finn that. Don’t tell him anything.”

“You know, you telling him these things will only help you,” Rey pointed out. 

“So everyone keeps telling me,” Ben said, taking a deep breath. “That’s enough for tonight. Let’s talk strategy on how to deal with this.”

“I,” Rey started, but Ben just kept talking. 

“You’re going to be on every newspaper in the country’s front page by the evening editions tomorrow,” he said seriously. “All the major news stations will be covering this as well. The prospect of a potential queen has been treated like this long before I was the one who was looking for one. My grandmother has told me stories of what she went through, and that was almost sixty years ago. So I am apologizing in advance for what you’re about to go through with modern technology and twenty-four-hour news cycles. Therefore, I think we need to put in place a strategy for how to get you out of it as soon as possible. It’s going to be overwhelming as fuck when you see it happen, trust me.”

Ben leaned back and closed his eyes. “My father is going to kill me over this. And he won’t believe that we’re just friends either. Not with someone likely having a picture of that kiss.”

“Would it be easier for you if we pretended that we are more than friends?” Rey asked, and Ben’s eyes flew open.

“I can’t ask you to do any more than you’ve already done,” he said quickly. 

“And you’re not asking, I’m offering,” Rey pointed out.

“What made you do this anyway?” Ben asked out of nowhere. “You didn’t have to do what you did this afternoon. So why did you?”

“Because I know what it’s like to need to get away from an awkward situation and have no one to help you,” Rey said softly. “And that’s all I care to say about that.”

Ben nodded and Rey smiled. “If I can help you some more by pretending to be your girlfriend, just say so. I’m going to have to go through this nonsense with the papers and the news channels regardless. If me doing this will help you, then we might as well put it to good use.”

Ben sat there for a moment, thought about how Finn would probably want to yell at him if he said yes to using Rey like that, and then nodded. “If you’re willing…”

“I’m willing,” Rey said, taking a deep breath. “So we have some stuff to figure out now.”

“Like what?”

“Like our backstory,” Rey said simply. “How we met, our first date. Stuff like that.”

“Because people will want to know,” Ben said, sighing. “I hate people knowing shit like that.”

“I can only imagine. But I feel like you know that it’s necessary.”

“Yeah,” Ben said, sitting up, “it’s necessary. And then during our next session, I will apologize profusely to Finn for getting you into this.”

“You leave Finn to me,” Rey said seriously. “You just concentrate on you.”

Ben sat there for a moment before nodding. “Then let’s come up with our backstory.”


	9. Chapter 9

**.apartment**

“So Ben is coordinating with the palace press office to get this shit to stop and let you have your life back, right?” Finn asked, dropping the newspaper onto the table. “Because I can’t imagine this has been fun today.”

“It’s taking some adjusting,” Rey said, keeping her attention trained on the stove where she was cooking. “And no, he’s not coordinating with anyone.”

“So what, he just expects you to deal with it? Fuck, I knew that he had a hard time caring about people but I didn’t think he was just downright cruel.”

Rey took a deep breath. “Last night, when I told you that I had to work late, I lied.”

“What?” Finn asked, confused. “Why are you changing the subject? Figuring out how to deal with this is important.”

“I went to Tico’s with Ben to try and figure this out,” Rey continued. “And while I was there, I learned a few things and those things made me make him an offer.”

Finn sat there for a moment before groaning. “Not that. Please tell me you did not offer to do that again.”

Rey took another deep breath. “We came up with a backstory of how we met that only you and Poe will know is a lie.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Rey. What the fuck are you thinking?” Finn exclaimed. “I cannot even begin to tell you how much he’s fucked up at the moment and it’s going to take a lot of work to get him to the point where he’s a functioning member of society.”

“I know he is,” Rey countered back. “He called himself lost and destroyed when I was talking to him last night. But he also said he was hopeful, Finn. And that’s all I needed to hear to know that this was the right thing to do.”

Finn shook his head. “Always wanting to help people but going about it in the unhealthiest way possible.”

“I don’t see how this is unhealthy,” Rey said.

“Of course you don’t!” Finn replied strongly. “I’m trying to get him to open up, and you’re helping him hide!”

“I honestly don’t think this is hiding,” Rey said after a moment, stirring the pot on the burner before turning to look at him. “He said he wanted to get to know Rey who is fucking awesome. I told him that the only way that would happen would be if I got to know Ben who is lost and destroyed but still hopeful. And he hesitated, I won’t deny that, but he said okay. I think this is going to help him be open with someone, which is exactly what you want him to do.”

“I don’t like this,” Finn said seriously. “I don’t like this at all.”

“Yeah, well, I think being on the cover of the evening papers is fucking overwhelming, but I also think that it’ll help him in the long run if I am,” Rey said, turning back to the stove. “And I think it’ll help me too.”

“How could this possibly help you?” 

“Because Ben will be a reminder that not everyone is a lousy motherfucker like the ex was,” Rey said, lifting the lid off the skillet and checking the sauce. “And that’s all I care to say about that.”

Finn wanted to say something in response to that, but he stopped himself. Maybe Rey could help Ben open up to other people, and maybe that would translate into his therapy experience and help improve his quality of life. Maybe Ben could help Rey realize that not all men were like her motherfucker of an ex. 

Maybe they could help heal each other. 

He still hated the idea though.

“The second this becomes too much, you put a stop to it,” Finn eventually said.

“You are not my father, you know,” Rey pointed out. “You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

“Rey.”

“Finn.”

“I’m just looking out for you.”

“I know,” Rey said. “And I don’t know why I feel this strongly about it, but I need to do this for him. So it’s probably going to go way beyond what you would consider a stopping point.”

“Of course it is,” Finn muttered. 

“Hush,” Rey said, checking the pasta. “It’s time for dinner and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Fine.”

This was a disaster waiting to happen. Finn just knew it.

**.princess**

“So, tell me about her,” Mara said, reaching for her glass of wine. “I’m very curious because you’ve kept this from me completely.”

Ben sighed and reached for his water, wishing that he had some whiskey. “Her name is Rey.”

“I know that already, darling. Tell me stuff that isn’t in the papers.”

Ben took four bites of his lunch before speaking again. “She’s my therapist’s best friend and roommate, which is a little awkward, but that’s not how I met her,” he said, recalling the story they’d concocted. “I met her at the Connixes’ store. She didn’t know where something was, she asked me if I could show her, and well, we just sort of hit it off.”

“The most normal of meetings,” Mara said, smiling. “Sometimes, those are the best. Now, were you sober? That’s my next question.”

“No,” Ben said honestly. “But she saw through that. She’s the first person I’ve met while fucked up in a long time whose first comment wasn’t about my glazed eyes.”

“Is that because she also often has glazed eyes?” Mara asked carefully.

Ben shook his head. “She hardly drinks and definitely does not do any drugs. She made that very clear.”

“Could you use that as inspiration perhaps?” Mara replied. “Get yourself to a place where you can be sober for her?”

Ben closed his eyes and reached for his water again. He’d made a promise a long time ago that he’d never lie when Mara asked him a personal question, but he really didn’t want to say what he should. She would tell Luke, and Luke would tell his father and grandparents, and then…

“Yes,” he breathed out before he could stop himself. “She’s...yeah.”

Mara gave him a brilliant smile. “That’s wonderful to hear, Ben. I always knew that someone would come along someday that would make you want to stop living like this.”

“I’ve spent a lot of time at the coffee shop since I met her,” Ben said. “It’s better than I remembered it being.”

“Ben, you go to Dameron’s all the time. How is it suddenly better than you remembered?”

“Because I haven’t been there sober in a long time,” he said without thinking, and he saw Mara’s eyes light up. “Fuck.”

“Sober? You’ve been going to the coffee shop sober? Oh, Ben, that’s fantastic.”

Ben realized he’d dug himself a hole too deep to climb out of, so he might as well tell Mara the truth. “She’s amazing, Mara. She’s the first person I’ve wanted to really get to know since Mama…” he trailed off, and Mara reached across the table to squeeze his hand. 

“Have you told her about Leia yet?” she asked softly. 

Ben shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I’d think you’d want to share your hope with her,” Mara replied. “I may not share your view on the situation involving your mother, but perhaps explaining it to someone like Rey could help her understand you better.”

“Maybe,” Ben mumbled.

“I’d also think that telling your therapist about Leia would be a good thing,” Mara said, nodding when Ben looked up at her. “I know that you think keeping it all in is for the best, but it’s not, Ben. It’s actually harming you more than helping you.”

“So everyone keeps telling me.”

The door opened and a couple of attendants brought in their food, setting plates in front of them and refilling their drinks. Once they were gone, Mara reached for her silverware with a smile on her face. “I want you to know that this is a development that we have all been waiting for.”

“Of course you have,” Ben muttered, making Mara look up at him.

“Benjamin, we want nothing but the best for you. We are all aware that you have not been well for the last fifteen years, and we are all aware of why.”

“No, you’re not,” Ben countered back. “Apparently that night was just what made everything worse.”

Mara gave him a confused look. “And what does that mean?”

Ben sighed heavily. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, you most definitely should have said that,” Mara said seriously. “What does that mean?”

“It means I met my dealer long before the night that Mama…” Ben trailed off and Mara’s eyes went wide.

“How long have you been doing drugs, Ben? Be honest.”

Ben swallowed hard. “If I tell you, can we please change the subject? Because if not, then I won’t tell you.”

“Only if you promise me you’ll talk to your therapist about this.”

Ben sat there for a few moments before nodding. “I was fifteen,” he murmured. “And Mama had found out about it, and she was going to work on quietly getting me some help, and then that night happened, and, well, you know the rest.”

“Oh, Ben,” Mara said, her heart aching for him. “Darling, I don’t know what to say.”

“You’re not going to say anything,” Ben said seriously. “You promised we’d change the subject.”

Mara sighed and reached for her glass of wine. “Fine. What would you like to talk about?”

“Grandma was saying something about you picking out roses for the south lawn,” Ben said, reaching for his fork. “You’re the flower expert. Give me some advice for what to get Rey.”

Mara smiled. “I can do that.”

**.tenth**

“I am far from thrilled with the situation you have gotten my best friend into,” Finn said seriously. 

“I told her she didn’t have to do it,” Ben mumbled.

“But since Rey has made it clear that you did not ask her to do this and is therefore doing it voluntarily, I will refrain from commenting on it to you the way I did to her. However, I think that this presents an opportunity for you to practice being open with someone.”

“You think?”

“Yes,” Finn said. “She said that you getting to know her was in exchange for her getting to know you. That means you are open with her on things.”

“Like what?”

“Maybe start with how you’re feeling on the new medications.”

“I'll have you know that my dealer is none too happy about the fact that I can't take anything while I'm on this medication,” Ben declared. “And I always try to keep my dealer happy.”

Finn sighed heavily and shook his head. “What you need to do is tell the police who it is so they can be arrested.”

“I think they're more worried about being fired than arrested, to be perfectly honest with you,” Ben said. “Last time I went to them for a fix, they were concerned that people were starting to notice the lower quantities.”

Finn stared at Ben for a moment while his brain worked to process that piece of information, and then it clicked. “Your dealer works at the hospital.”

“How did you figure that out?” Ben asked, incredulous.

“It wasn't difficult,” Finn pointed out. “So all this time I've been thinking you're on spice and you're really on prescription drugs that you shouldn't be.”

Ben stared at him for a moment. “I really shouldn't have told you that.”

“No, it's a good thing that you did,” Finn said. “Now it's more imperative than ever that you tell me who it is.”

“Cannot do that,” Ben said firmly. “Absolutely cannot do that.”

“Ben, do you not understand the serious violations that this particular person is committing? Not only to hospital rules and regulations but the law?”

“Look, if I tell you who it is then you're going to go get him fired, and he's going to know that it came from me because I'm you're only patient,” Ben said slowly. “So I cannot tell you.”

“I'm going to get him more than fired, I'm going to get him arrested,” Finn said, staring Ben down. “Tell me who it is.”

“I don't want his wrath once he gets out, okay?”

“I don't care. This is far more important.”

Ben threw his hands up and let out a small scream. “Why aren't you listening to what I'm saying? This man has the power to ruin me!”

“Yes, and he's using it to ruin you!” Finn exclaimed. “Don't you understand that the things he gives you don't help you? They only make everything worse in the end!”

“He knows things about me that no one else knows,” Ben countered back. “Stuff that if it made it into the papers would ruin the Skywalker name.”

“And you think your actions haven't ruined it already?” Finn asked. “You know what the people of this town think of you, and of your family as a consequence. You think they care about the great history of the Skywalkers when you're running around the streets in nothing but your boxers in the middle of winter?”

“They don't know about that!”

“Oh yes, they do,” Finn said. “I read an editorial in today's Mos Eisley Times that was wondering how the town can trust your grandfather to run the country when he can't even control his own grandchild, and that particular incident was mentioned as being the latest example in a long history of episodes where you have embarrassed yourself.”

Ben fell silent and glared at Finn for a few minutes. “Don't they understand there's a reason why I do all that stuff?”

“I think that everyone understands that there is a reason and no one but you knows exactly what that reason is.”

“He does.”

Finn sighed. “And that's why you think he'll ruin you. Because he might let out your biggest secret.”

“I can't tell you,” Ben sighed, pleading with his eyes for Finn to drop the subject. “Please, Finn, I just can't tell you.”

Finn sighed and sat back in his chair. “Why do you trust him so much?”

“I don't,” Ben said. “It's not like I've confided in him about this stuff. It's just stuff that has come out once I'm high.”

“Stuff that you're ashamed of?” Finn asked softly.

Ben sat silently for a moment before nodding his head. “Look, I realize I'm not the perfect man or the perfect son or the perfect anything okay? But I also realize that there is a standard that I am expected to meet, and to know that I can't meet that? Yeah, there's a lot of shame and embarrassment and downright humiliation about it.”

“Those are things we can work through in therapy,” Finn said, giving Ben a concerned look. “All you have to do is open up and start talking about them.”

“I don't see how talking about things is going to make me feel less of a failure,” Ben whispered.

“Why don't you at least give it a chance? You never have before. I know that I can help you, Ben, but I can't do all the work for you. You have to do most of it yourself.”

Ben sighed and stood up, glancing at the clock above the office door. “I'll think about it.”

“And what about your dealer? You know I'm going to figure out who it is eventually.”

“I'll think about that too,” Ben said, putting his hand on the doorknob. “I forgot to ask, are you feeling better than you were Friday?”

Finn tried not to show his surprise at Ben's question. “A bit, yes. I still have a lot I need to work through.”

“Well, um, if you ever want someone to vent to about it again,” Ben mumbled, turning the doorknob and slightly opening the door. “I'll listen. I may be shit at helping you out, but I'll listen.”

Finn raised an eyebrow at that, but Ben left the office before he could say another word.


End file.
